I’m sure you heard the news: starting this summer, if you refuse to give the TSA identification, you will be “denied access to the secure area of airports.” Am assuming these “secure areas” include those “secure ramps” that allow you to get on “secure planes”.

Fine with me.

Now it’s a different matter if you’ve lost your ID (or were a total nutcake and forgot it). You could be subjected to all kinds of “enhanced screening” and maybe “interviews with behavior detection or other law enforcement officers”.

So what’ll they ask you? We turn to our pals at Consumerist.com who tell us that the TSA accesses all kinds of info on you, everything from old addresses to wedding anniversary dates, etc., etc., so you might want to study up on your past and present life.

Personally, I can remember my childhood home phone number — but the rest — pretty blurry.

Wonderful story in the LA Times today (by Bob Pool) about a flight attendant who passes out crayons — to adults.

Jewel Van Valin started doing this after 9/11 to calm the nerves of anxious passengers.

It worked. People liked it. They still like it. And Van Valin has collected and kept them all. Now the Delta flight attendant is looking for a place to display what she calls this “Plane Art”. They should be seen, she says, because “many of these are very good.”

She’s right. See them for yourself.

A naked man was running around an American Airlines flight from Boston to Los Angeles Saturday, when Naked Man thought it would be a good idea to open an emergency door in mid-flight (by the way, that can’t be done).

A soccer team on the same plane, the New England Revolution, thought that was a bad idea, and restrained him.

Plane landed (unplanned) in Oklahoma City so Naked Man could go to a crisis center for “observation”. Soccer team went on to win World Cup. Well, not really. But they’re aces in my book.

A change-of-command ceremony was temporarily disrupted when a wayward civilian sky diver crash-landed in the midst of a military band.

Those military musicians really got slammed: the sky diver, who was going about 50 mph, left one soldier with a broken jaw, another with a fractured an ankle, and assorted other injuries.

And two sousaphones were destroyed.

After the casualties were taken away, the band — and I don’t know how they did this — continued to play — sans sousaphones.

A Ft. Riley spokesman had this explanation: “We soldiered on.”

Well…of course.

In his latest column for ABCNews.com, our boss Rick Seaney — an excellent executive and all-star human being — asks this question: will the airlines ever drop all their new fees?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Yes, Rick knows the score — but, please — read for yourself — just click here.

Remember that day — July 17, 1996 — when TWA’s flight 800 exploded in mid-air off Long Island, killing all 230 onboard?

A lot has happened in the 12 years since then — including the demise of TWA.

But, good news: They’re finally getting around to fixing the “problem”.

According to a report from WJLA in Arlington, the feds are going to unveil “new safety rules” to prevent this. As I know you know, the authorities blamed the explosion on a spark igniting vapors in the 747’s tank. Now, it seems, there will be “new rules calling on the airline industry to fit some planes with a system that will use nitrogen to reduce the flammability of fuel tanks.”

Only took a dozen years.

Meanwhile, if you have a moment tomorrow — the anniversary — maybe send a thought to the families of the dead. Time does not heal all wounds.

Well, I doubt it.

But…people do indeed fly to these things (and according to a report from the Florida Sun-Sentinel, as many as a third of reunion attendees will travel 500 miles which boggles my mind).

Now let me boggle yours: a poll by the Travel Industry Association “found one in three adults - about 72 million - in the United States attended a family reunion in the three previous years.”

What’s with these guys? All this…(shudder)…togetherness?

I thought avoiding Uncle Fester and Auntie Em was one of the reasons they invented email.

Do mummies move you? Keen on coffins? Have we got a tour for you.

VirtualTourist.com has a list of 8 top burial sites (via Reuters) that includes such gems as “Hanging Coffins” in the Philippines; the “Bone House” of Austria; “Sky Burials” in Tibet; or just good old-fashioned long-haired mummies in Peru.

Boy, oh, boy do they have something for everyone!

Now, just imagine the souvenirs.

Let me set the scene: a United Airlines flight from Denver to Des Moines is getting ready to go when, suddenly, alert passengers notice 3 ticks in the cabin.

According to United’s ever-unflappable Robin Urbanski, no ticks were found on anyone. However, the flight was delayed while a new, un-ticked jet was readied for service.

The Des Moines Register gave a fine description of this tick-ish mystery: “How the wayward arachnids got on the jet had not been determined.”

Okay, I have a couple of questions:

• 1. What were the ticks doing? Just sitting around?
• 2. Were there any dogs on board?
• 3. How does anyone happen to notice “3 ticks in the cabin”?
• 4. Were there any deer on board?
• 5. Were the ticks ticketed?
• 6. Why didn’t someone just stomp them?

What IS it with drunken passengers these days?

Used to be, they’d just sit there and get quietly soused. Today, they grab various portions of flight attendant personageorget real drunk and claim to be aterrorist (can you get any stupider?).

Our latest party boy was a first class passenger on Delta (see — it’s not just the rabble in coach);he got mad because he saw “lesser” passengers being allowed to deplane ahead of him. So, he put on his thinking cap, and decided HE’D deplane first — by pulling open an emergency hatch and sliding down the chute — whee!

A police officialsaid the man appeared intoxicated.And yourfirst clue was…?

A Delta official said,the manwill pay for his unauthorized ride.

UPDATE: Southwest gave them refunds. If you ask me, Southwest went way above & beyond.

Okay, a mother and her four kids (and a pregnant aunt) were flying Southwest from Detroit to Phoenix to Seattle.

But Phoenix was the end of the line as far as the airline was concerned. According to Southwest, the kids were “disruptive and unruly” and the airline feared for the safety of the passenger and crew.

A news report noted that two of the children have medical problems, but Mom admits the kids “were a little bit out-of-control” and heck, this was their first flight.

Anyway, the family did get to Seattle, but the report gives us no clue as to what airline eventually flew them. Wonder what was that flight like?

See the video. Were you on the plane with them? If so, describe.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY, YOU FIRECRACKERS!!!

Have fun, stay safe, buy plane tickets.

From your pals at StandardUprightPosition.com and FareCompare.com

Just in case you’ll be flying Russia’s Aeroflot Airlines anytime soon, I thought I’d help you out with some “do’s” and “don’ts” from their website.

Look for them in a handy section called “Rules of Passenger Conduct”.

DON’T: “Create situations endangering flight safety or the life, health and dignity of other passengers and also of the airline personnel, to permit her- or himself any verbal or physical insult toward them.”

DO: “In the event that her or his life, health, honour or personal dignity is in danger, to approach airline employees and demand protection.”

Wish I could “demand protection” on some of the domestic flights I’ve taken recently — I’ve had numerous insults to my dignity, in the form of fees for checked luggage, surly flight attendants, and…well, you see what I mean.

A friend and I have been “collecting” Spirit emails, to see which of their advertisements comes closest to being NSFW.

So many candidates.

Let’s see, there was the one that said, “We’re proud of our Double-D’s” (deep discounts). Then there was the campaign called “MILF Sale” (many islands, low fares — riiiiiight). Oh let’s not forget the “T & A” ad, and the one that made clever use of the word, “brazilian”.

Kind of funny to picture all these suits sitting around, cackling over how cool they are. Well, enjoy the free advertising.

This latest party boy incident (okay, sometimes these incidents involve party girls) was on an American flight yesterday (Dallas to Charlotte) when our hero got a little too happy.

What’s too happy?

According to gadling.com, in this case “too happy” was throwing ice around the cabin, saying bad words, and grabbing a flight attendant’s uh, hind-quarters. Happy juice of choice: rum and coke.

No doubt you’re thinking “crazed businessman” or “carefree-young-lad-making-merry-on-boring-flight” but you’d be wrong.

Party boy was traveling with the wife and kiddies.

How’s that spelled again? Oh, yeah. L-O-S-E-R.

Saw that Newsday had an article on travel stuff for women so you can keep up your “beauty” regimen on the road without breaking the ol’ 3-ounce liquid rule.

This includes some “sleek” and “elegant” shatter-proof/leak-proof bottles “created by a former flight attendant”.

And she sells 6 of these bottles for just $51.95. Now is that a bargain or what?

ANNE’S ALTERNATIVE: Go to Rite-Aid or CVS; buy cheap plastic bottles (probably can get 6 for less than 2-bucks). Fill them up with your gunk, then place in Zip-loc bag in case these inelegant containers are not leak-proof. Savings: $50.

Just tell me where to pick up my Nobel.

Saw this earlier, but forgot to post it:

David Letterman’s “Top 10 Signs You Have a Bad Travel Agent”.

My two favorites:

“Hotel stay is six days and two nights.”

“Your ‘plane ticket’ is a post-it note with the handwritten message ‘Please admit one to the airplane’.”

A group in Denver wants the okay to smoke marijuana in Denver International’s “smoking lounges”.

Hey, who knew they had smoking lounges? Who knew they had FOUR of them?!

Anyway, the “Safer Alternative for Enjoyable Recreation” folks want their weed while they wait for their planes.

Yeah, right. Good luck, guys!

Oh, wait…didn’t Denver voters okay a measure to make possession of an ounce or less, within city limits…legal? Indeed they did.

An Arizona State professor has gotten a grant from the Air Force to study turbulence.

Grant is worth $716,000, and Prof. Alex Mahalov will try to save lives with it.

No snide comments on this post. I mean, the life he saves could be my own.

If you’re looking to get loaded, light up, and throw down, can’t you just find a local bar or something? I mean, do you really have to take it to the skies? Apparently, if you’re Christina Szele, you do:

“An unruly JetBlue passenger from Queens who lit up a cigarette mid-flight Tuesday forced the 145-passenger flight to be diverted after she became violent and uncooperative when asked to stop smoking…” (from wcbstv.com)

The Queens native was arrested for assault and is being held in Denver. There are questions surrounding the number of drinks the passenger had consumed before the incident. Some say one, some say three, and some say the airline is “covering up” the number of drinks flight attendants served the passenger.

It’s still unknown if passengers on the JetBlue flight were able watch the events unfold on the news on their in-flight TVs.

From the crime blotter: Cops in Holly Springs, Georgia are Thieves.

Well, idea thieves, anyway.

They recently stole an idea from the airlines - the fuel surcharge! Beginning July 1, Holly Springs finest will add a $12 surcharge to all moving violations (no, not $350).

Saw the story in USA Today. It quotes some local whining about the new fee (”…government officials are trying to take money from citizens’ pockets…”).

Oh, boo-hoo.

Just don’t speed. Got that? And stay off the cell phone while you’re at it.

When you spend a large portion of your day combing airline websites for deals, stories, and the latest fees, they can all start to blend. Those generic FAQs may or may not be of any assistance at all, and will be dry and no fun read.

Even if you call the airline, it can take forever to speak to a human, and sadly they don’t always have the answers either. Thankfully, I have discovered Alaska Airlines online help, and I have fallen in love with a girl named Jenn. (Visit Alaska Airlines and click “Ask Jenn”, and you can meet her yourself.)

Sure Jenn is semi-animated and her voice resembles that of a robot, but she answers all the questions I have about the airline, and her pleasant demeanor never waivers. I can ask about fees, booking, baggage–anything, and Jenn seems to always have the answer. I really think we have a connection.

This digital help desk beauty is never thrown for a loop. Even when I ask Jenn if she loves me, she responds simply with “I love helping people.” OK, so we’re keeping it professional, I understand, but I believe her. I don’t know why, but I do.

Man, I need to get out more.

Look at that face — those hound dog eyes — doesn’t it make you just want to sink your fingers in those velvety neck rolls and give him a good deep scratching?

No?

Oh well. But look at this story on RickSeaney.com anyway. It’s for dog lovers and haters. And people who love — and hate — to fly with them.

Don’t get me started on cats. But they’re included in the story, too. Take a look. You’ll like it.

Did you know that zoos attract more visitors annually than all U.S. spectator sports combined??!!

Amazing, huh? Actually, I stole the above from an AP review of a new guidebook called “America’s Best Zoos: A Travel Guide for Fans and Families.”

It points out that we visit our hometown zoos, but we don’t bother to visit Dumbo when we’re out of town.

Maybe that would change if there were more programs like San Francisco’s “Woo at the Zoo” night; it features, uh, the romantic lives of our animal buddies. But as the website notes, this is for people “21 and over only“. Sorry kids.

It looks like we have another case on our hands of airline employees behaving badly.

Two former Delta Air Lines employees, a pilot and his fiancee flight attendant, are going to court for possession of opium poppies, which as reported by the Salt Lake City Tribune is a third-degree felony, punishable by up to five years in prison and a fine of up to $5,000.

Now, it should be pointed out that at the poppies the two were in possession of can be purchased online, and that prosecutors acknowledge that “they’re everywhere.” However, along with the poppies, a small amount of marijuana and drug paraphernalia was found in the couple’s bedroom, leading to misdemeanor charges in addition to the felony charges.

Both the pilot and the flight attendant have been let go from Delta Air Lines (although the pilot reports that he retired, while the flight attendant claims she was fired). The real catch of the case is that the defendants claim the opium poppies were purchased for decorative purposes only. Regardless of why they wanted them, in the State of Utah possessing opium poppies is “the same as possessing cocaine or heroin.”

We’ll keep you informed to let you know how the decorating defense goes over, and whether or not the two former Delta Air Lines employees can have the felony charges dropped.