Yes, you won’t be finding any grizzlies at Juneau International at the moment – but this is not to say you shouldn’t keep a sharp eye out in the parking lot.

According to a report in the Kansas City Star, there was an “accidental discharge of anti-bear spray” at the airport that serves Alaska’s capital – and it shut down the airport for 90 minutes.

Now I’ve got some questions:

• 1. Why do people from Kansas care about this?
• 2. What’s in bear repellent – I mean, what could possibly repel them — the smell of Godzilla?
• 3. What was “anti-bear spray” doing at the airport?
• 4. Did the Governor have any comment on this?

If any of you out there can provide answers, our operators are standing by.

According a new poll, 4 out of 5 Australians say cell phones on planes would drive them “crazy”.

Oh, perhaps not clinically – but who knows? In any event, most would find these devices “hugely irritating”.

Don’t worry, mates – you’re not alone – nobody much likes them in the U.S. either (and here’s an amusing post on the subject, courtesy Rick Seany). But some airlines already allow them, and Ryanair is gearing up for them.

You’ve been warned.

This is depressing.

Ever since Travis Barker and DJ AM were injured in that horrific plane crash that killed 4 of their associates, internetistas have been putting together THE LIST.

That would be the list of other music types who died in aviation accidents.

You know — Richie Valens, Buddy Holly, Jim Croce, Otis Redding…we’ve been down this road before.

But, doesn’t make it any less sad…

You probably never heard of Transparency International (I hadn’t), and that’s a pity because their mission is to fight corruption around the globe – and there is way too much of that in this uneasy world of ours.

The organization recently came out with their annual rankings of nations – in terms of corruption (and thanks, Gadling, for the heads-up).

Corruption is defined by Transparency as, “the misuse of entrusted power for private gain.”

These countries – out of a total of 165 — topped the list as “least corrupt” (and note the emphasis on Scandinavia):

• Denmark
• Sweden
• New Zealand
• Singapore
• Finland

Looks like Norway fell down on the job this year – they only made it to #14 – the U.S. meanwhile made a very respectable showing at #18 (better than France, mon amis).

Last place: Somalia. No surprise, as most of the countries at the end of the list are unbearably poor.

Oh, yeah – Whack-a-Mole – that’s what Rick’s talking about.

He says, in his latest column on ABC’s news website, that what’s happening with the airlines is a pretty wild ride these days.

You should take a look. After you’re done admiring Mr. Happy, at left.

I have no idea why planes don’t look like stock cars – they’re starting to slap advertising everywhere else.

Like tray tables -on a recent US Airways flight, my tray table was covered with a huge ad (NOTE: I only noticed this because the tray table accidentally fell open – if you think I was actually going to open it myself to place a $2 Coke on it, you’ve got another think coming).

The latest? American Airlines is putting ads on their boarding passes (along with “value-added, destination-specific” info, too!).

They’re not the first – others have done it. So – what about NASCAR planes? Slap an STP decal on the tail? I’m cool with that.

I thought it was bad enough when some passengers found ticks on a plane (and, yep, that’s a tick in the photo to the left).

But I have to say, that’s been topped by infestations of bedbugs on planes (and trains and buses).

This is something they’re seeing in the UK – one pest control company there said there’s been a 40% rise in calls in the past year, from transport companies. The company is actually going to hold a conference on the subject!

What’s behind this? According to one expert, it’s “the enormous increase in international travel as a result of rising western living standards and low-cost flying”.

Hmm. Let me know where that “low-cost flying” is, would ya, pal?

You’re probably sick to death of hearing about how in-flight Wifi internet access is going to flood planes with porn and how this group and that group are calling on airlines to add “anti-porn” filters to their aircraft and blah and blah and blah, but…

But…you haven’t heard everything ’til you’ve heard from Standard Upright Position. So here’s where we stand:

Use your common sense. Don’t have any? Then follow these 3 simple rules:

1.) Don’t watch porn if you’re sitting next to my kid.
2.) Really don’t watch porn if you’re sitting next to my mother.
3.) Don’t watch porn without a plot. Hey, I think I’ve just eliminated the problem…

And you thought it was just the airlines, didn’t you?

According to the always delightful “The Smoking Gun” website, an Indiana drug dealer sold cocaine to an undercover cop, and charged accordingly:

• One ounce of cocaine, $215
• Fuel Surcharge, $25

He was charged last week with two felonies for dealing – no word yet on whether or not he’ll also be indicted for gas-gouging.

Heeeeeee’s baaaack! Or maybe I should say, his stuff is.

And of course, I’m talking about Tutankhamun, Egypt’s boy king who lived…uh, a long time ago. His fancy stuff (gold crowns, jewels and other geegaws) has arrived in the U.S. on American Airlines, and you’ll be able to see the exhibit, formally called “Tutankhamun and the Golden Age of the Pharaohs” when it opens in Dallas on Oct. 3.

Take a look if you can – 4 million people did during a 4-city U.S. tour back in 2005 – 2007, and they all liked it.

In the water, he makes like a fish. On land, he makes like a lot of money, especially with all his commercial deals.

And you can see one of Michael Phelps’ ads on the site of that veritable Renaissance man, Perez Hilton — if you just click here.

This particular commercial is for Citation Shares, a division of Cessna – which offers “fractional jet ownership”. You see Phelps boarding the snazzy plane with all his medals on, but it’s no problem! He’s on a private jet and doesn’t have to go through the hassles of metal detectors and security stuff. Get it?

Not bad, actually.

More news from the airline industry advertising front. We just saw Air New Zealand buy up some ad space on bald heads, and now on the other side of things, Spirit Airlines will be selling ad space on their overhead bins.

Yep, the old “reaching a captive audience” creed of advertisers everywhere is coming back to haunt air travelers everywhere. We’ve already seen pizza ads on the ground below busy flight routes and ads on tray tables.

No news if Spirit’s marketing folks (you know the ones who brought us the MILF Airfare Sale, the WTF Airfare Sale, and other such exercises in subtlety) will have any say on which ads will be placed on the overhead compartments.

I can’t help but feel Don Draper and the characters of Mad Men would be very disappointed by this move.

I’m guessing Air New Zealand switched advertising agencies. Seems they’re going to start putting ads — in the form of temporary tattoos — on bald guys’ heads. Of course!

It’s to publicize their new “speedy check-in service” and those selected as ad space will get $666 for their “services” (and no, do not ask me how they arrived at that particular figure – I don’t want to know).

Those scamps. Thinking outside the box again.

Okay, at first blush, it sounds crazy. But would I work for a crazy man?

Well, sure. And I have. But Rick Seaney is not a crazy man.

He’s actually got a pretty good idea here – and one that can save you a bundle. It could also save your sanity.

So check out Rick’s idea, that he wrote about for ABC – Thanksgiving in October.

At the very least, you’ll pick up some great “Thanksgiving Travel Tips” - no matter when you gather at Grandma’s house.

Some poor guy in Brooklyn made arrangements to ship the body of his wife to their native Ecuador for burial.

To Guayaquil, Ecuador, to be precise (airport code GYE).

Unfortunately, American sent her to Guatemala (airport code GUA). That’s 1,400 miles away. Heck of a typo, wouldn’t you say?

Then, according to the grieving widower, after the airline finally delivered the body, it wanted to charge him another $321. Perhaps for all those extra awards-miles the corpse accrued (the fee was ultimately waived).

Lawsuit, you ask? Of course.

See? Smoking is bad for your health, when you do it in an airplane bathroom.

Especially whenone of your fellow passengers doesn’t like it.

Seems a JetBlue flight from Boston to Ft. Lauderdale had to be diverted over the weekend, when some guy reportedly decided to light up in a lavatory.

What happened after that is a little murky, but a TSA spokesman said “one person was injured in the face by what may have been a punch” and said punchee had blood on his face.

Witnesses said this little dust-up involved two brothers – one of whom was soon arrested.

What do you think?

A woman of Pakistani descent – who has been an American citizen for 28 years – was barred from boarding a US Airways flight in West Virginia (she was ultimately heading to Michigan).

She says she was detained and interrogated for 9 hours, after security found a bottle of water and some face cream in her bag. The thing is, says the suit, plenty of other people did the same thing but they weren’t interrogated – they were just told to dump the stuff. Meanwhile, during the interrogation, the feds were busy searching her apartment.

This is where it gets interesting: the next day, an FBI agent drove her to the airport, so he could explain to US Airways that the woman had been cleared of any charges, but — the airline wouldn’t let her redeem her ticket (and had no comment on the suit, according to the Jackson Citizen Patriot).

Then the FBI guy drives her to Marion, Ohio, where she was met by her mother and driven to Michigan. Now, according to Mapquest, that’s a 3-and-a-half hour drive.

Have you ever heard of the FBI giving that kind of service before? Strikes me as unusual.

It seems the state of Arkansas suffers from a “dreary” image (saw this in USA Today today).

But it turns out, that image is fixed in the minds of people who have never visited the state.

For these “non-visitors”, Arkansas ranks low in the very things tourists are looking for, including nightlife, entertainment, and interesting cities. But, wait! When people DO visit, well, hold onto your hat: according to a consultant to the state, when people actually get to Arkansas, “you are overdelivering on people’s expectations by a huge margin.”

Okay, but how to get them there – how to fix the image? I know – why not just change the state’s name? Instead of Arkansas, how about something like, oh, I dunno, maybe…New York?

A man boarding a shuttle bus at LAX accidentally hit a fire extinguisher, which promptly went off aboard the vehicle.

Okay, so the passengers looked like those “flocked” Christmas trees, and that’s about it, huh?

No, no, no. This, being Los Angeles, meant a MASSIVE traffic jam – 3 of the 5 traffic lanes on the airport’s “arrivals” level had to be shut down while a HAZ-MAT team descended on the scene.

An hour later, all was normal – regular jammed traffic.

The new Crowne Plaza Milwaukee-Wauwatosa is not just a mouthful – it also features a “Women’s Executive Level” (7^th floor) — which is for women – except, men can book there, too. Got that?

They are trying something new – okay, it’s not really new -remember NYC’s old Barbizon Hotel, for women only? Anyway, the Milwaukee people want women execs to feel comfortable, so they’re giving them lots of “amenities” like Victoria Secret robes and blow-dryers and vanity mirrors.

Turns out men want that stuff too! So, it’s for everybody! And this way, it’s not a sexist thing!

Want to know what traveling women really want? I’ll tell ya. They want peace and quiet for play time.

They want to do stuff no one has time for at home, like – oh, exfoliating your elbows. Or finally pasting on that stupid “facial-rejuvenating mask” that someone gave you for Christmas that’s supposed to make you look young again but won’t but maybe this time it will if you do it just right.

Are you “big”? Are you tall? Are you big AND tall? Are you big AND tall AND you like to fly? No worries.

There’s a new travel service in town, just for you – the cleverly named BigandTallTravel.com. According to the press release, it is “sensitive to the needs of heavy set or tall travelers…offering special rates for upgraded airline seats and special handling for second economy seats and other special needs.”

I like the fact that it sounds vaguely illicit – I mean, it promises “discreet service”.

If you try it, tell us if you like it.