It’s Wednesday morning in Cleveland, and boy are you jazzed – you’re leaving the miserable cold and Clevelandness behind and heading to Orlando! Yee-haw!

Only it takes you 12 hours to get there. Because you spend about 10 of those hours – in the AirTran plane – TRAPPED ON THE TARMAC. The plane froze! And they couldn’t de-ice it!

So – how was it, sitting on a frozen plane for hours? Not too good, according to the passengers:

“It was horrible, the worst experience ever.”

“We had no water, no air, they couldn’t turn the engine on.”

“They announced the deicing process is $7 a gallon. I don’t care what it costs.”

“It was quite pleasant really as it finally gave me time to finish up Joyce’s ‘Ulysses’.”

Okay, I made that last one up. But there is a silver lining – they did eventually get to the land of Mickey, and, AirTran is sending all the passengers a written apology, plus, a free roundtrip ticket.

Hey, they were only trapped on the tarmac – it’s not like they landed on the Hudson or anything.

I’ll bet you’ve heard about the complaint letter of the year by now – if not, read all about it here on brother-blog RickSeaney.com.

It was written by some guy who thought the food on a recent Virgin flight was really, really bad.

Well sometimes, it pays to complain: Virgin now says they want him to help select the food on future Virgin flights! But, as of this writing, it’s unclear if he’ll accept Richard Branson’s kind offer.

Among the things this guy hated about the food was the way it looked – which was a nasty surprise, he said, since it looked like…well, let’s let him tell it:

“Imagine being a 12-year-old boy Richard,” our complainer wrote. “Now imagine it’s Christmas morning and you’re sat there with your final present to open. It’s a big one, and you know what it is. It’s that [stereo set] you picked out of the catalogue and wrote to Santa about. Only you open the present and it’s not in there. It’s your hamster, Richard. It’s your hamster in the box and it’s not breathing. That’s how I felt when I peeled back the foil.”

Hope the new food doesn’t taste like rodent.

Looking for a dirty hotel? Okay, looking to read about a dirty hotel? You, my friend, have come to the right place.

TripAdvisor has the list – and boy, is it a horror show.

I won’t keep you in suspense: the winner (based on TripAdvisor reviews) is the Hotel Carter in New York City, which garnered such comments as this gem from a guest who clearly knows her wildlife.

“Roaches, rats, mice, horrible smells, dirty sheets, horrifying bathrooms, outlets that hang out of walls… Just to name a few, but the worst part about it was that at 4am I woke up to a bunch of guys breaking into our hotel room while we were sleeping!!” -Jasmine, on the Hotel Carter

Funny, the hotel’s website mentions nothing about hot-and-cold running rodents. But in the future, Jasmine, here’s a tip: any New York City hotel that advertises rooms for $110 a night, just might be a wee bit on the skanky side.

Our new Commander-in-Chief is busy doing many things, including trying to fix this financial mess we’re in – but President Obama may be playing a more direct role in the resurrection of Hawaii’s economy than even he realizes.

Just check out the “Obama section” of the Hawaii Visitors and Convention Bureau website – and, you too can follow the path of our nation’s 44^th president. It gives you an “insider’s view” on Obama haunts in Oahu – and he has quite a few, seeing as how he was born and partly raised there. Highlights include:

• Favorite “shave ice” institutions
• Specialties O’ Spam
• Beaches of Obama

Check it out — these days, Hawaii can use the tourism boost -and the tourism officials sure hope this website addition helps.

Of course, every time the Presidents comes to Honolulu for vacation, he’ll be helping his native state simply because he’ll be accompanied by about a million members of the press corps. I seem to recall that members of the Fourth Estate generally get some sort of expense account…

Mobil has just announced its “Annual Star Awards” for 2009.

As you know, 5-stars is best.

So what state can boast the most 5-star hotels? Well, as the Governor would say, Cal-ee-four-knee-uh.

See the listings for all the states, along with restaurants and even spas – right here.

Resorts – like the Atlantis on Paradise Island, across the bridge from Nassau – are up to some new tricks in an effort to lure in tourists.

From time to time, they book big name acts like the Jonas Brothers (well, it’s a big name to 12 year old girls) – but tickets to these concerts are sold to guests only. You don’t know the Jonas Brothers? Trust me, they helped Atlantis book about a gazillion hotel rooms.

Hey parents! The hotel has booked them again – for March, April and May – if you have ‘tweens at home, start packing.

The heroic captain who gently crash-landed that US Airways plane in the Hudson yesterday – insuring the survival of all – went to a fine university.

What the heck, figured I’d mention it – since I previously noted that the infamous “runaway pilot” dude attended the very same school.

And as long as we’re on this Purdue/celebrity/aviation kick, I will note that another alum is Neil Armstrong (“that’s one small step…”).

What will those precocious Purduvians get up to next?

Maybe you’ve never attempted to bring an “inert grenade” onboard an airliner, but then – I guess you’re not a jackass.

Johnny Knoxville, however, can be a Jackass (see his body of work on imdb.com) – and now?he plays one in real life — allegedly. Cops say he had an inert grenade in his carry-on bag as he was going through security to board an American flight out of LAX (inert means it had no fuse or powder, according to the Los Angeles Times).

Knoxville (real name: Philip John Clapp) was cited for attempting to bring a “prohibited item” on a plane.

We, of course, would be in jail, am sure.

You have to love it: stunt pilot, rich guy, family man, and “affable charmer” – oh, yeah, and also alleged defrauder – my goodness, but Marcus Schrenker is in a spot of trouble.

I think jumping out of his plane and then letting it crash was his first mistake – or was that his 51^st?

Too bad – Schrenker went to a fine university. Plus, he used to be a cheerleader. Hey, so was Samuel L. Jackson – and George W. Bush!

You heard about that Continental jet that slid off the runway in Denver a few days before Christmas then caught on fire – well, the lawyers are now involved.

Two women who were passengers on the plane have filed suit in a district court in Houston – alleging that the pilots were negligent and/or there were mechanical problems. Continental’s retort: wait just a second, the federal investigators haven’t even figured out what caused the crash yet.

Here’s what I found most interesting: according to a story in the Houston Chronicle, the two women told their lawyer that “they were unsatisfied with the way Continental treated them after the crash.” Yes, one of the women did receive money from the airline to compensate her for her lost belongings, but according to the lawyer, “Continental sent an employee to supervise her shopping”.

That lawyer says, there will be more lawsuits. Quelle surprise.

At first I thought this timesonline.com article was brought to you by our friends at the Onion, but apparently, it’s the real deal, so without further ado…

It seems a “flying car” is not that far away – brought to you by the Massachusetts-based Terrafugia company (note: their website seems to be temporarily down – no doubt crashed by sci-fi fans). Supposedly, we’ll see this two-seater car that can transform itself into a plane in 15-seconds, in showrooms sometime next year.

Questions: Can it take you where you want to go? Well, it can fly about 500 miles on a tank of gas – at about 115 mph. Cost to you? About $200,000. Where to find car/plane runways? Well, planes can legally take off from roadways in Alaska, but elsewhere – who knows…

Oh, I’m sure you remember this one: a Florida man sued United Airlines, saying they were responsible for him smacking his wife — because they “over-served” him (in this case, the culprit was wine).

It was a great defense while it lasted — well, in the Bizarro World, anyway.

But I guess all the headlines the case produced prompted some reflection on the part of our over-servee — perhaps some soul-searching. Whatever — late last month, he asked a U.S. District Court in Tampa to dismiss the case.

You can read all about this oddball case, right here.

“Don’t come near me,” the man warned. “I have a bomb. I have a bomb.”

That’s what some of the passengers aboard Delta’s flight 110 heard yesterday as the plane was getting close to landing in Los Angeles. According to a report in the Los Angeles Times, an agitated passenger ran down the aisle, pushed a flight attendant to the floor, and was trying to open an emergency exit while telling everyone — he had a bomb.

But that didn’t stop several passengers from taking action — jumping on the man, and eventually subduing him. It wasn’t easy, according to one of those passengers:

“He was struggling hard-core. He was going nuts.” –Chris Llewellyn, passenger who helped subdue bomb suspect

There was no bomb, as it turned out, but the passengers who tackled the man had no way of knowing that.

“I was glad I was on a plane where passengers fought,” one of the witnesses told the LA Times. “It was great the passengers got involved.”

Yes, it was great — even more so when you learn that a source told the paper that — there was no air marshall on the flight.

Don’t know if you ever saw this post on brother-blog RickSeaney.com — it started a whole cat fight between those who prefer to fly with dogs and those who prefer to fly with children.

Now, Gadling poses an even more vital question — what would you prefer, flying WITH booze or WITHOUT?

Careful now — before you say, “Pass the potato juice, please” — ask yourself, what about all those poor sods who can’t hold their liquor? We’ve only done about 10,000 posts on them.

Why not take Gadling’s poll — and see where you stand (or lurch) compared to everyone else.

Brides Magazine has a trip for you (which includes airfare so I can blog about this in good conscience) — to New York and Tahiti. Here’s how to get it, per Brides:

“Are you the most romantic couple in the world but haven’t had the honeymoon of your dreams? Tell us your love story…” Yes, you have to write a little something.

Let’s see… “Whenever my husband is thirsty, he always says, ‘Darling, toss me a brewski’ and then I…” Hmmm. Needs work. But you get the idea.

And in case you don’t, all the details are right here. And, merci, Gadling.

Delta’s Flight 47 from Moscow to Atlanta made an unscheduled stop in Newfoundland for nuisance removal — i.e., one of the airline’s paying guests was dumped into the arms of the Canadian police.

Delta isn’t saying what happened, but thank goodness for loose-lipped passengers. One of them told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution that the exiled passenger was drunk, adding “I was afraid he was going to try to jump out of the plane or something.”

Or something. It took 8-people — flight attendants and passengers — to subdue this guy, who managed to break his plastic restraints “a couple of times”. Then, when he was taken off the plane and put it a police car, he tried to kick out the windows of the vehicle.

Question: exactly when did airline travel cease being transportation and morph into “party in the sky“?

Why wait ’til you get to the parking lot to start tailgating? Kick off the celebration in the sky on your own chartered flight. That’s how thousands of bowl-game bound fans have decided to get things rolling over the last couple of years. In fact, the 2008 Sugar Bowl brought in a record number of charter flights to New Orleans:

“There were 11 charter flights with 1,894 seats into New Orleans for the event, held on New Year’s, and 13 flights out with 2,128 seats. There were no charter flights in 2006, said LANOIA spokeswoman Michelle Croll Wilcut.” (from BNet)

The charter trend continues this year, and there’s still time for all of you Sooners and Gators out there. You can check out North American Airlines for a full schedule of chartered flights to the biggest game of the college football season.

Happy New Year!

Here’s hoping 2009 will be your best year yet!

From your friends at FareCompare.com