We’ve all seen those cheery posts – “Top Ten Tips 4 Not Croaking in a Crash” – or something like that.

But here’s the real deal: a nuanced, practical guide to surviving a plane crash – written by an intelligent and imaginative reporter named Tim Jepson of Canada’s Daily Telegraph. Don’t do anything else today, until you read this. Really. It could save your life.

Among Jepson’s findings:

• Protect your legs: a lot of people die in crashes simply because their legs or ankles have been broken and they cannot get out of the plane. DO THIS: “Hold your legs and/or place feet flat on the floor, preferably farther back than your knees, and place hand luggage under the seat in front of you to act as a cushion.”

• Brace yourself carefully: but that’s very tricky in coach – sometimes there’s just not enough room to do what the flight attendants say. DO THIS: “Get your torso as low as possible to reduce the jackknife effect at impact.”

• Avoid smoke: fire and smoke are deadly, and you’ve got to cover your nose and mouth with something wet. DO THIS: Use a handkerchief or rip up some of your clothing for a cloth – and “if no water is available, use urine. This is a matter of life and death – it’s no time to be fastidious.”

• Move: typically, you have 2 minutes or less to get out of a crashed plane alive – but something called “negative panic” may affect you, causing you to sit and wait for orders. DO THIS: Move – force yourself to move, and order those around you to do the same.

There is so much more, so –read it. I’m sure you will never use any of this information. But I’m sure no one ever expected to be standing on the wings of a plane in the Hudson, either…