You would think a 60 year old fellow from England would know better.

The gentleman in question decided his Delta flight was idling on the tarmac at JFK just a wee bit too long and he was getting anxious to depart for Las Vegas, so – he decided to open one of the emergency exit doors.

The flight attendants however, felt this was a bad idea and stopped him.

The interesting question in my mind is, what did he think he would accomplish? Perhaps he thought if he jumped out and ran around to the front of the plane, he could signal the pilots to get a move on? But then – how to get back on the plane? I don’t think he thought this one out very carefully.

Anyway, at last report, he never did make it to Vegas – the cops arrested him and he is facing charges of reckless endangerment. He should have taken lessons from this guy – who did get the door open – and took off.

Always wanted to use “fracas” in a sentence…

The scene: Saturday night – Southwest flight 1402 from Phoenix to Detroit.

The situation: A witness said a 60-somethingish female passenger was waiting in line to use the lavatory when a man “apparently bumped into her”. Doesn’t sound like much, but it was enough to unravel this woman. As a Detroit TV station reported, “She accused him of trying to touch her and she just started slapping him in the face, going crazy on him.” Apparently she also fought with the crew – who decided to make an emergency landing.

The resolution: Lavatory lady was dropped off in Denver, where presumably she continued on to another restroom. That is, if the cops allowed it.

Oddly enough, there is no mention of alcohol in any of the scoops about this dust-up.

Those scamps over at Ryanair are no doubt still chortling over their CEO’s idea to raise money by installing pay toilets on the discounter’s aircraft – but that’s not the end of it.

They’re looking for new ways to charge us – and they want us to come up with the ideas! But – at least, they’ll pay for them – 1,000 Euros – which was about $1,289 last time I looked.

Here are some of the ideas already submitted:

• Charging for toilet paper – with CEO Michael O’Leary’s face on it
• Charging to read the safety cards
• Charging to use oxygen masks
• Charging to use the emergency exit
• Charging for bikini clad Cabin Crew

Kind of lame – am sure you can do better but hurry – ideas must be submitted to competition@ryanair.com by March 30. And if your idea is the winner, we will know who to blame for the next bone-headed fee!

Starting next month, American Airlines will start using “stemmed tulip-shaped globes” – wineglasses – on its 777 and 767-200 planes. And not only will they be all nice and tulip-y, but they will be bigger!

Why are they doing this? So passengers can “more easily swirl the wine and enjoy its aromas”. But of course. And maybe put more of that tasty swirly stuff in the glass.

Let’s see, what else? Oh, yes, this is only for…first class passengers. Well, that lets me out. Grrr.

I know I’m going to take some flak for this, but – when perusing the latest “Hints from Heloise”, I came across this tip:

“Dear Heloise: My husband and I each wear something like the military DOG TAGS. We have our name, city, state, date of birth, blood type, spouse’s name and phone number on one side, and on the other side we have the names of our daughter and son and sister, with the states and phone numbers. We wear these when traveling on vacation – almost every time we leave the house.” – Bonnie, Irvine, Calif.

Heloise seemed to think it was a good idea (“Maybe we should call them ‘people tags’!”) – but my first thought was – with all the info she put on them, Bonnie’s dog tags must hang down to her knees.

My second thought was – kind of macabre, no? I mean it’s perfect if you anticipate disaster. On the other hand, you might as well. I guess.

Of course, the principals “can’t talk about the settlement”.

But thanks to the intrepid folks at the Seattle Times, we have some details about the suit filed by former United pilot Lisa Stout. It seems she kept finding pornographic photos of women in the cockpits of planes she’d fly. On more than 20 planes. Over the course of two years.

United reportedly saidexecs passed the word that employees should not be stashing any porn on any planes, but Capt. Stout said nothing much happened.

Best part of the suit? According to the Seattle Times, United argued that Stout, who was also an artist, shouldn’t have been offended by this crap since she “sometimes sketched nudes…and she had attended art shows displaying photos of nude women.” Please.

Meanwhile, if you want to read more, click here.

Now this is one funny site.

It’s called “Uniform Freak” and it’s the result of a childhood obsession with aviation, and — flight attendant uniforms – an obsession that grew into a collection of about 800 outfits. Wouldn’t you know, the collector is now also a flight attendant! His name is Cliff.

Anyway, go to the site and click “uniforms”- and choose an airline – he lists literally hundreds of airlines – then click the airline to see the fashion show. My favorites:

Delta’s 1950′s uniforms -like something a grown-up Brownie Troop would wear.

TWA’s brief foray into “paper uniforms” – one of the more unfortunate trends of the ’60′s.

Braniff’s groovy Pucci mini’s.

Forget the 80′s – every airline outfitted every flight attendant in the same, dreary bow-at-the-collar-blouse with unflatteringly longish skirts.

Another disappointment – when you click Southwest, all you see are the prim shorts of today – and none of the hot pants and go-go boots of yesteryear.

We already told you about Obamaland I – it’s Hawaii – or more specifically, the parts of Hawaii that used to be the stomping grounds of our 44^th president (who was born in the 50^th state).

Tourism officials there are making a big deal out of Pres. Obama to lure in visitors — and it’s inspired the folks in D.C. to do something similar.

Our nation’s capital – Obamaland II? Why not? In fact, a group called Destination D.C. is already planning a tour that may well include the inaugural route, the White House and more.

We’d prefer to tour the places Pres. Obama has gone to eat – including Ben’s Chili Bowl and the Equinox.

And – Obamaland III? Gotta be Chicago. Stay tuned.

Authorities in Dubai, that glitzy town in the United Arab Emirates, are cracking down on sexy tourists - yes, Aunt Ethel and Uncle Fred, I’m talking to you.

No more PDA’s – public displays of affection. And, don’t wear short-shorts or tight t-shirts or make-out in public. Or more.

It probably all began when those Brits were convicted of having sex on the beach – a definite no-no in this conservative region. So, the head-honchos of Dubai came out with “do’s and don’ts” that may or may not become law.

You’ll be fine if you use your common sense, but gosh, so many don’t. In case you need it spelled out for you: no mini-skirts, don’t swear in public, don’t get drunk and disorderly and don’t be a jerk.

Oh, and no sex on the beach, either.

Unfortunately, some folks broke this golden rule on Northwest Flt 51 from Frankfurt to Detroit on March 10 – and now, the government’s after them!

Well, government in the form of the Centers for Disease Control – because one of the passengers on the flight had tuberculosis – TB.

The CDC is looking for 17 people seated near the Typhoid Mary (Tuberculosis Tom?). And why, you may ask, is the CDC (literally) making a federal case of this? Cuz these 17 are at risk of infection – though the CDC says, that risk is “low”.

Well, that’s perfectly clear!

But if I was on that plane, I think I’d give them a call. And try to remember my seat number.

Poor Danny Boy - he’s a-wearing o’ the green, alright – but he’s stuck at LAX. Even worse, he’s getting thirsty.

Fear not, me boyo – the Los Angeles Times to the rescue with a new airport terminal guide for beer lovers – so you can get an infusion, fast.

For example, head to LAX Terminal 1 for some Gordon Biersch. In Philly, try the Jet Rock Bar and Grill (Concourses B, D and F) with 48 beers on draft. And in Portland, Oregon, they got Organic Tree-Hugger Porter (why am I not surprised?).

It may not be green, but why quibble? Oh, and remember – do not get drunk on a plane. You don’t want to end up like these guys, do you? And that goes double for you, pilots!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day. Yes, I know it’s tomorrow, but we Irish like to prepare.

Michael J. Totten is a journalist who’s seen it all -bombings, battles, and bloodshed of all kinds. And then there was this adventure: coming face-to-face with The Worst Airline in The World:

Alitalia.

Well, that’s what he calls Italian carrier.

Anyway, it all started in Rome – with a two hour layover – that lasted more than a week. There was a baggage strike – there were cursing Alitalia employees (and plenty of cursing passengers) – there were liars and cheats everywhere. And one dead cat.

You have to read it. Then we need a movie version. Hey, Spielberg, you listening?

Maybe we roll. Thing is, we don’t do endorsements here. But I have to say, I was intrigued by the “Skyroll on Wheels” bag. Well, intrigued by the photographs, anyway (have not seen one in person).

The Skyroll is a carryon bag – on wheels – with this compartment that allows suits and stuff to lie flat. In theory, the clothes do not get wrinkled.

Check out the video – it’s really kind of fascinating the way they pack this thing. Also fascinating is how closely the video resembles the ones shot by your earnest but sadly incompetent brother-in-law (and next time, use a noise-canceling “lip mike”).

But I gotta say, the bag looks cool. If anyone’s used it, let us know.

You decide:

According to an anonymous tipster, Sen. David Vitter (R-Louisiana) either “freaked out” or “went ballistic” on an airline employee after he arrived at Dulles too late to make his flight.

Vitter, however, calls that description “silly” – and claims he merely had “a conversation” with an airline employee.

To an extent, I can feel his pain, because he arrived 20 minutes ahead of the departure time, but the door was already shut. However – he allegedly also played the “Do You Know Who I Am?” card, and I’m real sick of that one.

Oh, by the way: if the name Vitter sounds familiar, it’s because his phone numbers were found in the records of the late “D.C. Madam” awhile back – and perhaps some will recall his confession to a “serious sin”. Gawker has some additional details. Do they ever.

A magician who goes by the name “Wade Live” shipped himself from Syracuse to Las Vegas via UPS, as a publicity stunt (though I don’t think he got much publicity – this happened back in November).

All went well, according to the AP account – except for boredom (he had food and drink in his wooden crate but it’s unclear if there was a bathroom in there)-however – now the TSA and FBI are investigating. Some think it’s a hoax.

Is it possible to ship yourself by cargo? Apparently so – in 2003, a 25-year old Bronx man shipped himself from Newark to Dallas – because he was looking for a cheap way to visit his parents.

While I applaud his filial devotion, such stunts can be incredibly dangerous because of the extreme cold in cargo planes and little pressurization. And, it’s not necessarily cheap. The AP reporter covering the magician’s trip figured that his journey probably cost about $4,500!

If only he’d come the FareCompare first…

Asher Roth may love college, but he also loves playing superhero – or so it would seem. In January, he participated in detaining a man who made a bomb threat on Roth’s plane.

Then there was Coolio, he of the Grammy award-winning “Gangsta’s Paradise” – according to TMZ, the singer was busted last week at LAX for allegedly having crack cocaine on his person.

Roth was on Delta, Coolio on Southwest.

I’m sure it doesn’t matter — heck, with all the cheap airfare sales going on now, I imagine they both got a fine deal.

You know that poor woman who went nuts after missing her Cathay Pacific flight the other day? And how so many websites got a cheap laugh out of her distress [see our post with video here].

Now Cathay Pacific is apologizing to her – and have said they’ve “disciplined” the airline employee who took the video. It’s not clear, though, who actually posted it.

The unidentified woman has apparently not sought compensation from the airline, but Cathay Pacific has graciously “offered to upgrade her seats on her next trip and reimburse her for frequent flyer miles she used for upgrades on recent journeys” – that’s according to the AP.

If I were in her shoes, I can assure you I’d be throwing another fit if all I was offered was upgrades and miles. Just sayin’, Mrs. Screamer. Just sayin’.

Where has the LA Times been? Southwest put its giant “Bar Refaeli in a Really Tiny Bikini” picture on one of its planes almost a month ago, but the paper (or one of its bloggers) seems to be just now reacting to it.

The reaction? “Ew.”

I’m not saying I disagree. Can’t help it – I was inoculated with conventional good taste long ago, so I find this stuff somewhat tacky. But why the long wait to blast the airline?

I’m sure the folks at Southwest are delighted – as the publicity lingers on…and on…

Oh, in case you were wondering, Southwest – I still love you. Can’t help it – I was inoculated with conventional cheapness long ago.

Wow. More cost efficient, huh?

Now, I didn’t go to MIT – I went to a school that has a giant orange for a mascot – but even I know that the headline of this post (see above!) is a big “Duh”.

You see (she said patiently), take-offs and landings use up lots of fuel – so of course direct flights are more “efficient”.

Sheesh. I’ll bet even Harvard students know this.