The one-time Qantas flight attendant who at first suggested actor Ralph Fiennes lured her into a lavatory for aeronautical hijinks awhile back, then later revealed she did the luring – was in court the other day because of “an alleged incident outside a restaurant”.

The case was continued. By the way, she no longer works for Qantas.

It hasn’t been all beer and skittles for Fiennes, either. Couple of years ago, Keith Olbemann named the Oscar-nominee as one of his endless parade of “worst people in the world” for his part in what the UK tabloids have called the mile-high “romp”. C’mon, Keith, surely there were more deserving contenders…

I only pose the question because there are so many Zagat categories you can win in.

For example, one Virgin airline or another took top honors in five categories (fine with me, I like them) and JetBlue took two “firsts” (also terrific) and Southwest won three awards.

Conspicuous by their absence in this cornucopia of blue ribbonry was Delta, United, US Airways.

Yep, the (sort of) little guys do it again. Hey, thanks, Jaunted!

This is sad.

A fellow had a ticket to fly Southwest for his uncle’s funeral.

Fellow weighs 400 pounds. He said he could fit in the seat, that he flies “all the time” and said he’d even sit with his arms crossed over his chest to avoid bothering anyone.

Southwest said no, that he was just too big, and said he’d have to buy a second seat. The guy says, fine. Problem: there is no second seat. The flight is booked. Man misses funeral.

A lot of flights are booked solid these days, particularly during holiday periods. Here’s what the man should have done, according to Southwest’s “guidelines for customers of size“: he should have pro-actively booked two seats in advance. Guess he’ll know next time.

The guy says Southwest is giving him a refund. Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, I guess.

A pilot at the controls of a Canada-based Porter Airlines flight out of Halifax lost consciousness during the weekend flight, and the co-pilot took charge and turned back.

Good thing he/she was there.

Anyway, nobody knows what was going on with the pilot, but mercifully, no one seems to think he had this pilot’s problem.

A passenger on a domestic Vietnam Airlines flight said he had $11,192 in his carryon, which he stowed in an overhead bin. Big mistake – I’d put it on my person or cradle that bag in my arms.

Sure enough, when the plane landed in Dong Hoi, he looked for the money, but it had disappeared.

Happy ending, though – flight attendants searched for the money as the plane continued onto another destination, and found it stashed under a seat (not the one the guy had been sitting in). The money was returned in full to its rightful owner.

Three flight attendants – presumably not the ones that discovered the hidden cash – have since been suspended, and an investigation is continuing.

True, airline fees have gone up and nobody’s giving away those cans of Pringles, but still –$11 thousand dollars?? You were kind of asking for it, buddy…

You remember the “laptoppers” – those two Northwest pilots that flew to Wisconsin, when they should have stopped a little earlier, like say, at their scheduled destination in Minnesota? They said they were too busy on their laptops (an excuse that cost them their pilot’s licenses).

Anyway, there weren’t the only ones out to lunch – the head of the FAA says the air traffic controllers are supposed to notify NORAD, the military air defense command, when they’re out of radio contact for ten minutes. How long did they wait? One hour and 9 minutes.

Nope, nothing happened – this time. But as has been mentioned elsewhere (like everywhere), a whole lot changed back on that Tuesday morning in September, 8 years ago…so, guys, just do your jobs, okay? Because you never know…

Do you even notice what flight attendants wear anymore? Me neither.

But maybe you will once Cynthia Rowley gets finished – she’s designing new stuff for United’s crews, and I trust it’ll be more exciting than that terrible 80′s look with all the bows-at-the-neck and those excruciating just-below-the-knee skirts.

Hey, maybe she’ll stage a return to Southwest’s 70′s hot pants!

How do I know about all these old uniforms? I have an inside source – a flight attendant – who actually collects uniforms, and puts them on a website (click “uniforms”), so you can see them too!

Are you getting as sick of this as I am?

The story: 100 passengers aboard a United jet on a runway at Heathrow were told to get off the plane – after they’d been sitting there for an hour.

Why? They were told the pilot was “sick”. But he wasn’t sick. He’d been arrested. The charge was “suspicion of exceeding the prescribed alcohol limit.”

He’s out on bail, and yes, United is saying all the usual things, like safety-is-our-highest-priority and we’ve-got-the-strictest-alcohol-policy-in-the-world, but you know what? None of that means anything if your people don’t do it.

And it’s not just United – an American pilot ran into allegedly similar difficulties at Heathrow earlier this year.

Is it really so difficult? Avoiding alcohol? I don’t think so. Millions of other people somehow manage to show up at work perfectly sober, day in and day out. Tawdry.

You can find cheap flights, cheap hotel deals, heck even cheap ski deals – but good luck with the rental cars.

The problem, says Jaunted, is that the rent-a-car companies can easily trim their inventory, and that means they can keep prices high.

So nose around for deals – or look into public transit. Or better yet, win the lottery and hire a car-and-driver. Am I right, people?

Gotta love this all-forgiving reporter from the New York Times – he sits next to a man who insults him, repeatedly stomps on his feet, snores loudly, and – the coup de grace – he grabs a flight attendant and knocks her to the floor. And yet our reporter winds up calling him, “one of the nicest guys I ever met.”

Apparently, the foot stomper suffered from an intense fear of flying, and was going to the flight attendant for help when he keeled over on her, and had to be revived with “smelling salts” (who knew that stuff actually existed?).

BTW, he was allowed to continue the flight.

Now, if this was you or me – we would have been booted off, pronto. Very strange…

I know the world is waiting on this one.

According to TMZ (and say what you like, they were right on Michael Jackson), Britney Spears seemed to sweep through security at LAX with an exceedingly large cup (Big Gulp?) that she put to her mouth again and again.

And as we all know, TSA rules say, bringing liquid thru security is a no-no.

Good news, though – TMZ updated their post to say Britney’s cup contained ice chips - so it was okay!

And indeed, on the video, she can in fact be seen crunching after taking a “swig”.

Gisele (that’s Mrs. Tom Brady to you) has just passed her written test for helicoptering; now she has to acquire more flight time before passing the flying part.

Why is the supermodel doing this? Hey, just because they’re supermodels doesn’t mean they’re dumb – besides, she’s not blond. Apparently, she wants to be able to commute quickly between Boston (Brady’s football HQ) and New York (where Gisele does modeling).

Besides, these are very rich people, and as Fitzgerald once said, the rich are different (to which Hemingway responded, yeah, they have more money!).

Five Swedish men apparently ALL sent someone they met on the internet $1,850 each, so that this someone – purportedly, a woman in Thailand and presumably pretty darn good looking – could use the money to buy an airline ticket and come and visit them.

Of course, I’m sure each of each of our heroes thought he was “The One” – none of them seemed to know about the others, but there they all were, gathered at the airport in Marsta, Sweden – waiting for Miss Right to step off the plane. But of course, “she” never showed.

Credit where credit is due: two of these guys had the courage to go to the cops and file fraud charges, for whatever good that’ll do.

Meanwhile, I suspect that somewhere in Bangkok, there’s one happy fellow who is now $9,250 richer.