I only pose the question because there are so many Zagat categories you can win in.

For example, one Virgin airline or another took top honors in five categories (fine with me, I like them) and JetBlue took two “firsts” (also terrific) and Southwest won three awards.

Conspicuous by their absence in this cornucopia of blue ribbonry was Delta, United, US Airways.

Yep, the (sort of) little guys do it again. Hey, thanks, Jaunted!

The always thoughtful Christopher Elliott has some valuable advice for airline miles club members: “assume nothing”.

What he means is, don’t assume you have enough miles for that free trip, and don’t assume your miles are sitting there waiting for you.

That’s because miles clubs change the rules all the time, and what you think you have, may no longer exist.

One thing you can do: check that little box that says something like, “Yes, I want to receive an endless chain of airline email telling me about my miles” – because, chances are, you could learn something, and avoid a nasty surprise when you go to use those miles.

Today, we ask the burning question: Who is more virtually pleasant, Alaska Airlines’ Jenn or Continental Airlines’ Alex?

Both virtual assistants want to answer all of your booking and travel questions, and both seem to genuinely like you. Meet Jenn and Meet Alex, and visit the FareCompare Facebook page to tell us who you prefer.

You remember “Catch Me if You Can” – the movie/book about Frank Abagnale, Jr – a one-time teen con-man who pretended to be an airline pilot? Sure you do – think, DiCaprio.

Anyway, a 17 year old lad from Yorkshire, England persuaded some British aviation officials that he was about to launch his own airline. He set up “virtual offices”, held meetings, wrote articles for industry publications and – was eventually found out.

Turns out the kid suffers from a form of autism that (according to his dad) gives him the “ability to recall the exact detail of every airline’s flight schedules” – plus he is a very “enterprising and creative individual”. However, this also tends to make the boy’s behavior “highly challenging.” I guess so.

Wouldn’t it be great if he could somehow harness all that energy and really make it work for him? I hope he does own his own airline someday. If anyone could do it – and do it right – I suspect it’s this kid.

Imagine have a phone app that would basically take over your life for you – at least when you’re going on a trip.

The people at zdnet.com quote an airline tech guy as saying, “if you are getting out of your car at the airport, the app that has the details of your flight realizes you have not checked in and lights up and asks you whether you want to check-in.” That has always been my spouse’s job, but I think he’d give it up.

Want more? The article says such an app could “detect when a traveler misses their connection after an incoming flight has been delayed, and then automatically books a seat on the next onward flight”.

They say this could be a reality in another 12 to 18 months. Could be.

Well, that’s good enough for me. Heck, I don’t even have an iPhone, but I’d get this app.

So you’ve never heard of Wizz Air?

Airbus has – and I’m sure they love Wizz Air, especially since the airline said it plans to buy 50 Airbus A320’s – for nearly $4 billion (at least, that’s the total according to list prices, but maybe those Wizzards cut a deal).

Wizz Air who? It’s a Hungarian budget airline that flies all over Europe – including places like Kyiv, Timisoara, Poznan as well as London, Paris and more. The CEO of Airbus calls it the “EasyJet of Central and Eastern Europe” and notes that it’s growing at a rate of 30% despite the fact that these are dog days for airlines.

Maybe they really are wizards.

Ever hear of Gulfstream International Airlines? Nah, me either. But I probably should know it, so never mind.

In any event, it’s real, it’s based in Ft. Lauderdale, and it’s being considered for a $1.3 million fine by the FAA – so says the Wall St. Journal.

Pilots and other employees have alleged that the airline falsified records so Gulfstream pilots could work longer hours – longer hours than federal safety rules allow. The company has indicated there may have been one instance of this but it was not done with “the intent of skirting the rules.” Heck no!

Gee – tired pilots -

What more is there to say?

Remember when boarding a plane was an occasion? When you didn’t have to worry about drunks onboard because flying was for the few – the elite?

Well, I remember, sonny, and it sure was nice!

Daniel L. Rust remembers too, and he’s got a big new book out that tells you all about those dear-dead-days called, “Flying Across America: The Airline Passenger Experience”. It got a good review from the Wall St. Journal so you might want to check it out.

Plus, it’s filled with cool vintage airline photos and ads – like the one you see at left.

Flying was nice then – plus, you didn’t have to worry about the lavatory running out of liquid soap because someone was busy drinking it.

Andy,

Read your recent column in the Albany Times Union. Love that second line: “Travel is still so expensive that I think people ought to stay home.”

Andy – travel is not expensive; it’s cheaper than it’s been in years. Seriously – (plug alert) if you need proof, go to FareCompare and see for yourself.

Now, let’s look at your third paragraph where you write: “Is everything done around your house? If you don’t like it, sell it, otherwise stick around on vacation and take your pleasure doing the things that need to be done.”

Andy, Andy – you sound like my mother. First of all, according to Webster’s, the word vacation is from the Latin “vacatio”, meaning “being free from a duty or service”. In other words, IT MEANS YOU’RE ON VACATION AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORK AROUND THE HOUSE. Sorry to be so loud, but c’mon.

One last thing – you gave another reason for not traveling that was almost a throwaway line, to wit: “Many hotels still have the shower in the bathtub, which I dislike…”

Andy, Andy, ANDY! Boy, the rich are different. Don’t you know that fancy bathrooms with separate tub and shower facilities are, uh, not found in most American homes — let alone, hotels? Yeah, regular folks have showers in tubs – those lucky enough to have tubs at all.

Andy, write us. Call us. We’ll get you a good deal. And a bangin’ bathroom, too.

Love,

Your Pals at Standard Upright Position

(Once again, thanks, Gadling)

Nice story on the Beatles in the Los Angeles Times today – which reminds us that they began touring America 45 years ago.

Tempus fugit.

One of the things I liked best about the piece is the photo – there are the boys in front of an old Pan Am plane (a Pan Am Boeing 707-321 to be precise). Notice John clutching his little Pan Am bag – the sort of thing airlines used to give away as part of their, ahem, customer service.

Well, Pan Am as an entity lasted a little longer than the Fab Four did – it wouldn’t collapse until 1991. But the airline lives on, in movies like the early James Bond films, “2001″, “Scarface” and “Catch Me If You Can”.

Oh, and don’t worry about the boys – I understand their music is still doing pretty well.

Those scamps over at Ryanair are no doubt still chortling over their CEO’s idea to raise money by installing pay toilets on the discounter’s aircraft – but that’s not the end of it.

They’re looking for new ways to charge us – and they want us to come up with the ideas! But – at least, they’ll pay for them – 1,000 Euros – which was about $1,289 last time I looked.

Here are some of the ideas already submitted:

• Charging for toilet paper – with CEO Michael O’Leary’s face on it
• Charging to read the safety cards
• Charging to use oxygen masks
• Charging to use the emergency exit
• Charging for bikini clad Cabin Crew

Kind of lame – am sure you can do better but hurry – ideas must be submitted to competition@ryanair.com by March 30. And if your idea is the winner, we will know who to blame for the next bone-headed fee!

Michael J. Totten is a journalist who’s seen it all -bombings, battles, and bloodshed of all kinds. And then there was this adventure: coming face-to-face with The Worst Airline in The World:

Alitalia.

Well, that’s what he calls Italian carrier.

Anyway, it all started in Rome – with a two hour layover – that lasted more than a week. There was a baggage strike – there were cursing Alitalia employees (and plenty of cursing passengers) – there were liars and cheats everywhere. And one dead cat.

You have to read it. Then we need a movie version. Hey, Spielberg, you listening?

You know that poor woman who went nuts after missing her Cathay Pacific flight the other day? And how so many websites got a cheap laugh out of her distress [see our post with video here].

Now Cathay Pacific is apologizing to her – and have said they’ve “disciplined” the airline employee who took the video. It’s not clear, though, who actually posted it.

The unidentified woman has apparently not sought compensation from the airline, but Cathay Pacific has graciously “offered to upgrade her seats on her next trip and reimburse her for frequent flyer miles she used for upgrades on recent journeys” – that’s according to the AP.

If I were in her shoes, I can assure you I’d be throwing another fit if all I was offered was upgrades and miles. Just sayin’, Mrs. Screamer. Just sayin’.

Wow. More cost efficient, huh?

Now, I didn’t go to MIT – I went to a school that has a giant orange for a mascot – but even I know that the headline of this post (see above!) is a big “Duh”.

You see (she said patiently), take-offs and landings use up lots of fuel – so of course direct flights are more “efficient”.

Sheesh. I’ll bet even Harvard students know this.

The heroic captain who gently crash-landed that US Airways plane in the Hudson yesterday – insuring the survival of all – went to a fine university.

What the heck, figured I’d mention it – since I previously noted that the infamous “runaway pilot” dude attended the very same school.

And as long as we’re on this Purdue/celebrity/aviation kick, I will note that another alum is Neil Armstrong (“that’s one small step…”).

What will those precocious Purduvians get up to next?

Breaking News from The Onion: American Airlines is now going to start charging fees to all its customers, and people who aren’t customers.

According to an Onion investigation team, “charges will include a $25 tax on citizens traveling with any other airline, as well as a mandatory $30 surcharge for passengers who decide to just stay home for the holidays instead.”

The story goes on to quote American’s CEO: “It’s never an easy decision to ask our loyal customers, as well as thousands of people chosen at random out of a telephone book, to pay a little extra, but that’s just the reality of today’s economic climate. We hope all Americans will understand this when receiving one of our new bills in the mail.”

New baggage fees will include a $15 charge for each piece of luggage in your bedroom closet.

Don’t know The Onion? You should.

Remember the “old FareCompare.com”? Pretty humdrum site, right?

Well, hold onto your hats – the site has changed. For the better.

See for yourself, here – the New & Improved Farecompare.com has got all kinds of special tools and videos and other cool stuff that means finding the cheapest airfares is easier than ever.

Let me repeat: FINDING THE CHEAPEST AIRFARES IS EASIER THAN EVER.

Something else very cool: you can now find Southwest airfares on FareCompare.com, along with airfares from 500 other carriers. And check out Southwest’s extra cool holiday sale.

Check it out. And yeah – you will be glad you did so.

Status: London Gatwick Ground Staff is annoyed at “smelly and annoying” passengers.

OK, so maybe they didn’t adjust their status to mirror their annoyance with passengers, but some British Airways staff have taken to facebook to trash their customers and even their own airline. On the page created by London Gatwick Ground Staff, you can find complaints about everything from passengers germs to snotty celebrities to British Airways’ much-maligned Terminal 5 at Heathrow. (see New Zealand Herald for more)

Clearly the crew isn’t pleased with much of the day-to-day life in the employ of BA, and they’ve found a great way to have their virtual voices heard. No news yet as to whether they’re in a relationship or interested in networking. Feel free to write on their wall to show your support or disdain.

The head of Ireland’s regional Aer Arann airline says Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary told him to “(blank) off to Connemara where you come from.”

As everyone with a drop of Irish in ‘em knows, Connemara has lovely marble and beautiful ponies and does not deserve to be invoked in such an unseemly manner.

But, according to Aer Arann honcho Padraig O Ceidigh, that’s what O’Leary said, because Ryanair supposedly wants to put the much smaller airline out of business. So far, O’Leary admits to nothing.

When you spend a large portion of your day combing airline websites for deals, stories, and the latest fees, they can all start to blend. Those generic FAQs may or may not be of any assistance at all, and will be dry and no fun read.

Even if you call the airline, it can take forever to speak to a human, and sadly they don’t always have the answers either. Thankfully, I have discovered Alaska Airlines online help, and I have fallen in love with a girl named Jenn. (Visit Alaska Airlines and click “Ask Jenn”, and you can meet her yourself.)

Sure Jenn is semi-animated and her voice resembles that of a robot, but she answers all the questions I have about the airline, and her pleasant demeanor never waivers. I can ask about fees, booking, baggage–anything, and Jenn seems to always have the answer. I really think we have a connection.

This digital help desk beauty is never thrown for a loop. Even when I ask Jenn if she loves me, she responds simply with “I love helping people.” OK, so we’re keeping it professional, I understand, but I believe her. I don’t know why, but I do.

Man, I need to get out more.

Pretzels are the latest casualty of rising fuel prices. US Airways, battling escalating costs and shrinking profits has decided to do away with pretzels in coach. Sure, you fancy first class passengers can still enjoy a snack, but the majority of fliers will have to go without.

As reported by Travel Weekly (subscription required):

Beginning June 1, US Airways will no longer serve free snacks to coach passengers on domestic flights. The airline said high fuel prices prompted the change. Passengers will still receive complimentary beverages.

Alas, the perks just keep disappearing. Hey, at least we don’t have to pay for checking bags…oh, right.

Maybe the middle seat isn’t as bad as we all think it is. JetBlue passenger Gokhan Mutlu would have loved a middle seat. Instead, he claims he was forced by the airline to spend a large portion of his California to New York flight sitting on the toilet, and he’s now suing JetBlue for $2M.

Mutlu was flying on a “Buddy Pass,” and he was told that a flight attendant would give up her seat and sit in the jump seat, so Mutlu could fly. Mutlu claims, though, that about 90 minutes in he was told that the flight attendant was uncomfortable in the jump seat, and that she wanted her original seat back. Mutlu was also told that due to regulations he could not sit in the jump seat. The pilot came out of the cockpit and allegedly told Mutlu to “hang out in the bathroom.” A brief argument ensued, but Mutlu eventually ended up fighting turbulence on a toilet, no seatbelt in sight.

When I contacted JetBlue I was told the airline “does not comment on pending litigation.” On the surface, this seems like a horrible story with a pilot, flight attendant, and airline breaking FAA regulations and every unspoken customer service rule. However, it seems to me that we’re not quite getting the whole story, so I urge readers and passengers to reserve judgment until we know a little more. In the meantime, think twice before complaining about getting stuck in that middle seat. There are far worse places to spend a flight.

Visit the Chicago Tribune and the New York Post for more on this story.

Never get tired on a Southwest Airlines flight again! The carrier announced that it is now offering Monster energy drinks for passengers who need an extra boost. A taste of Monster’s low-carb liquid energy will cost you $3.00.

Southwest hopes that sales of Monster and other little perks will help create additional revenue streams as they, like all carriers, try to deal with rising fuel costs.

Check out the Dallas Morning News for all the details.

Saw this on walletpop.com — an article called, “Check your airline’s financial health before buying a ticket”.

Alright, and we do that…how?

Direct quote from the article: “Consumers [can] do their own research. Quite simply, when you’re booking a flight, stick with the airlines that appear to be in the best of financial health.”

Oh! Is that all there is to it? Well, thank you, Capt. Obvious but I neglected to get that MBA. I never even became a CPA like Ma wanted. Must continue with current Russian Roulette system: find plane goes to desired destination; if plane is cheap, get on (smart, huh? Knew that GED would come in handy someday).

You don’t have to fly all the time to know that things just haven’t been going that well for the airlines from a customer service standpoint. With tarmac delays, bizarre TSA run-ins, and the seeming disappearance of “frills,” passengers on the whole just haven’t been all that happy of late.

FareCompare CEO Rick Seaney takes a look at what the latest airline complaint study (they’ were up 60% in 2007) means for airlines, passengers, and the industry. See what Rick has to say in “New Report: Complaints about Airlines are Rising.”