Ugly story. Two pit bulls who were going to be shipped overseas on a Korean Air flight, got into a “vicious fight” in an air cargo building at Dulles; a cop tried to break up the fight with pepper spray, but it didn’t work and he wound up shooting the dogs.

These dogs were originally in separate kennels – but one chewed his way out, then chewed his way in to the other dog’s container – and the fight was on.

It’s not clear where these dogs were going, or what they were supposed to do when they got there…

Whew, dodged a bullet there.

No, we do NOT have the best airport in the world – that distinction was won by Singapore’s Changi (Singapore wins everything).

But on the bright side, we weren’t worst, either: thank goodness for Heathrow. Although personally, I’ve never had a problem there.

Rounding out the top “worst” five: Paris’ Charles de Gaulle, Los Angeles (LAX), Frankfurt International in Germany, and Miami.

This public service is brought to you by USA Today, which reported on a survey by the airport lounge program, Priority Pass.

Serious topic, this.

If you are card-carrying (literally) medical marijuana patient, abiding by your state laws, you can carry up to 8 ounces of pot without being questioned, held, whatever — in San Francisco and presumably in most/all California airports.

This directive came down from the Justice Dept. this week.

One possible problem: where is the medical marijuana patient going to fly to? Laws in 30 states ban medical marijuana.

Well, it was a controversy – but it’s over now.

Seems a move to rename tiny Souther Field of Americus, Georgia ran into some opposition from the locals – who weren’t thrilled by the sound of “Jimmy Carter Regional Airport”.

Some of those nay-sayers said it was a matter of history – for 90 years, the little airfield was called Souther in honor of Maj. Henry Souther, a WWI Army aviation pioneer.

If they were going to rename it for anyone, why not Charles Lindbergh? He lived at Souther Field for a few weeks back in 1923 while he learned to fly (he bought his first plane at Souther, for $500). But maybe it would get confused with San Diego.

Whatever – Souther is now Carter – at the moment, anyway. The former president said he figured in another 20 or 30 years, it would be time to change the name again.

O tempora o mores!

We’re not going to debate the merits of that director’s arrest here – there are plenty of other sites that are doing that. Instead, we will talk venues: like that airport in Zurich (ZRH).

After all, airports have been serving up Hollywood arrestees (and others) since forever. Some memorable busts over the years featured these celebrities – followed by a brief synopsis of the allegations against them:

• Paul McCartney, in Tokyo (NRT), 1980 – marijuana
• Christian Slater, in New York (JFK), 1994 — firearm
• Axl Rose, in Phoenix (PHX), 1998 – disorderly conduct
• Dionne Warwick, in Miami (MIA), 2002 — marijuana
• Richard Simmons, in Phoenix (PHX), 2004 – slapping a man in the face

And there’s Snoop Dogg. In 2006 – he was arrested in London (LHR) and John Wayne in Orange County, Calif. (SNA) and Bob Hope in Burbank (BUR) – on a variety of charges.

Next time you’re in San Francisco International, check out one of the three new “Climate Passport” kiosks there.

Know what you do with them? You stick your credit card in, and it’ll calculate a fee that will offset the emissions of your flight – it’ll then deduct that amount from your card. Is that genius or what? Even more genius-y – you don’t have to pay this fee. That’s right – it’s voluntary!

But if you did want to pay, the fee for a flight from SFO to JFK would run you about $23 -money that would be used for reforestation projects.

If this sounds like something you’d like to do, go for it. The airport has already shelled out close to $200K on these kiosks, and would probably like to know their work hasn’t been in vain.

Well, that’s what they’re doing at Worcester Regional Airport in Massachusetts.

The “almost empty terminal building” is being transformed into a set for a movie with the working title “Wichita”. Apparently, the Kansas facility was no good because it’s all cluttered up with things like planes and passengers.

Stars include Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz, and the Worcester Telegram helpfully provides information on becoming an extra in the film.

As always, my favorite part of the article was the comments section, which included this blow torch:

“Now the movie moguls know the big secret that all Worcester county residents have known for years. Worcester is a gold mine for empty. Empty promises , empty leadership, empty train stations, empty outlet malls, empty airport…and taxpayers with empty wallets.” -Anonymous Worcesterian

Just read a “reporter’s notebook” item in the LA Times that made journalism sound — for a moment, anyway — fun again.

It seems LAX – the nation’s third busiest airport – is now using a $600,000 simulator to help train air traffic controllers.

It sounds pretty cool: it’s got computer screens with planes on them, and you can program the simulator to make the planes do anything – taxi, land, crash – or just follow realistic patterns, but it’s up to the trainee to get all safely on the ground.

Apparently, reporter Dan Weikel and other scribes and newsies on hand who worked the simulator did a pretty good job – as they say, “safety was never compromised”. I guess reporting has changed since I left – I wouldn’t have trusted us with anything more than pen and paper.

“A complete lack of common sense here.”

Those are the words of Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood, commenting on the recent “trapped on the tarmac” ordeal of nearly 50 passengers in Rochester, Minnesota.

You may recall that the passengers were heading to Minneapolis on a Continental flight – operated by ExpressJet – when they diverted to Rochester due to storms. But no one let them off the plane.

Meanwhile, the ExpressJet crew has been more or less cast as the bad guys in this saga, for supposedly forcing their passengers to sit on that plane, for nine hours – but, according to LaHood, they were actually very good guys. In fact, they pleaded with people in the airport to let the passengers come in, but – nothin’ doin’. ExpressJet executives also got into the act, with the same result.

The problem, apparently, is that ExpressJet was talking to people from Mesabe Airlines – the only carrier with a staff left in the airport at that late hour – and maybe they’d been appointed official-phone-answerers, I don’t know – but the Mesabe-ites kept saying, the passengers couldn’t come in.

Sounds nuts to me. Where were the airport people? If they weren’t around, why didn’t anyone know how to get hold of them?

How about some new procedures – like, “every airport must have a hotline for after-hours problems” – and every crew member should have that hotline number.

Since I’m no genius, I have to believe someone else has thought of this before, so – why hasn’t it been done?

Okay, I hated it.

And I may well be in the minority on this, but I found North Carolina’s Charlotte Douglas International to be insanely spread out – with nary a tram in sight.

“Oh, you poor pathetic little thing,” you may be thinking. Okay, you try to get from Terminal E to Terminal A or B in the 45 minutes allotted between your flights as I did last weekend. All I can say is, forget the kitten heels and stilettos and pull out your grandma sneakers cuz you are going to need ‘em.

It truly is a hike, with only moving sidewalks between you and utter despair – and naturally, no one obeys the stand-on-the-right-walk-on-the-left rules – no one.

I know, I know, they have a lot of cute shops and all – Simply Books, Rocky Mountain Chocolate, Time to Write, and, yeah, even a NASCAR shop (?) – and the people seem very nice there, but the only shopping experience I got was seeing a blur of storefronts as I sweatily streaked by (mind out of the gutter, please – I was decently covered).

Later I looked up some reviews of the airport, and was frankly shocked to see how many people really like Charlotte. I, however, did not. Where are the Els, the Trams, the Movers of People?

Anyone with me?

Word to the wise: in China, do not put hand in cookie jar.

I’d say, just ask the former head of the state owned airport holding company – that runs 30 airports throughout China – except, you can’t. He’s been executed by authorities.

What’d he do? According to news reports, he embezzled more than $12 million dollars – and accepted almost $4 million more in bribes.

In case you didn’t realize it, China is serious about stamping out official corruption – as one fellow learned the really, really hard way.

Good news for those of us who will be traveling with pets through the American Airlines Terminal at JFK: the carrier has installed a new “Pet Relief Area”.

It’s a grassy patch of…well, grass…located on the departure level and it includes a lovely red fire hydrant and a “Mutt Mitt” dispenser (and trash barrel) for getting rid of Sparky’s work product.

Don’t you love PR-speak? A sample: “Pets that travel have comfort needs, too.” The press release goes on to say this gives our “canine or feline friends a final chance to relieve themselves” before hopping on the plane.

Have you ever tried to get a dog to go? Taken Sparky outside at midnight – and begged him to hurry up because you were desperate to get to bed? Of course you have. And did he go? Of course he didn’t.

My nominee for Man of the Year:

A 59 year old Brit flew from Manchester to Palma de Mallorca – but didn’t go to the beach. Instead, he hung out at the airport and handed out thousands of dollars (okay, euros).

This we know: the man was laughing continuously – and was really, really drunk (we know this because the cops said so, plus he was, uh, filthy – let’s leave it at that).

Spanish police say our hero apparently had just come into an inheritance – and when they detained him, he had about $72,000 on him – but no one knows how much he gave away – or why. Hope he didn’t start out with a million, or that’s gonna be some hangover.

The cops put him on a plane and sent him home.

Imagine have a phone app that would basically take over your life for you – at least when you’re going on a trip.

The people at zdnet.com quote an airline tech guy as saying, “if you are getting out of your car at the airport, the app that has the details of your flight realizes you have not checked in and lights up and asks you whether you want to check-in.” That has always been my spouse’s job, but I think he’d give it up.

Want more? The article says such an app could “detect when a traveler misses their connection after an incoming flight has been delayed, and then automatically books a seat on the next onward flight”.

They say this could be a reality in another 12 to 18 months. Could be.

Well, that’s good enough for me. Heck, I don’t even have an iPhone, but I’d get this app.

Sure, Los Angeles’ LAX is noisy – it’s an airport, for pete’s sake!

And it’s also noisy at Van Nuys (private planes) and Ontario, too. But too much noise is bad, so – thank goodness for WebTrak!

WebTrak is “a new online noise complaint system…for resident living near the [LA area] facilities”. According to a local wire service, it’s an easy way to report your complaints.

Well…not all that easy. It took some doing to find this new WebTrak on the Los Angeles International website – so here’s the link to the LAX info, save you some time – but once there, you get a cool map with little planes on it, showing them merrily take-offing and landing. Nice.

Problem is, I can’t figure out what they do with complaints. It doesn’t say. Surely, someone reads them. Hope so, but…somehow, I figure the residents of Torrance and Playa Del Rey and Inglewood aren’t going to be getting any decibel relief anytime soon. Hope I’m wrong.

Make that, walk and chew gum – at the same time!

It hadn’t been possible before at the fancy-schmancy Palm Beach International Airport in Florida because they banned gum sales for the past 20 years (“maintenance nightmare” according to ABC).

Until now, that is. What changed? Well, like most things, it all came down to filthy lucre.

You see, people like to buy and chew gum – and at least one shop at the airport estimated gum sales could bring in an additional $225,000 each year. Apparently, the county commissioners were moved by the shop’s plight – especially when someone pointed out that county itself could get an extra 50-grand from that revenue.

Ban lifted. Chomp away.

UPDATE: Gov. went to Buenos Aires, Argentina! Has now returned. Weird.

EARLIER: Fascinating case about “missing” South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford – and for those of you who think this is some sort of a liberal plot, I say ANY governor who takes off without security to parts unknown – at least, unknown (it seems) to spouse and staff – is asking for some scrutiny.

Especially since the story seems to keep changing. First, Sanford is hiking on the Appalachian Trail, and then he’s at Atlanta’s airport (according to a newshound over at Greenville’s WYFF News 4).

My theory: The governor was at Hartsfield-Jackson, because he found a great deal from FareCompare via Twitter – by following tweets from his home airport, @flyfromATL – and you can do the same, no matter where your airport is, by signing up here.

I’m sure that’s what happened – goodness knows it beats Mrs. Sanford’s statement, that the guv “was writing something and wanted some space to get away from the kids.” Ahem. You will recall that part of this disappearing act took place over Father’s Day.

Nobody’s quite sure why the driver of a construction vehicle at Boston’s Logan airport failed to stop at the runway like you’re supposed to, and why he failed to radio the control tower for permission to cross, like you’re supposed to.

He just headed on across runway, happy as can be – as US Airways Flight 27 was taking off for Phoenix. They came within seconds of an intense, fiery meeting. Near total fail.

Fortunately, the plane missed him, but this driver may be in a spot of trouble. The FAA is involved and nobody’s happy – I’m guessing the pilot who saw his life flashing before his eyes (and the lives of his 84 passengers) was probably unhappiest of all.

No word yet on why Mr. Oblivious drove where he drove, but one report says they will be looking into cell phone use. Or was he reading “Driving for Dummies” on his Kindle?

O Canada!

You tried to keep Lindsay Lohan out, didn’t you? Well, that’s what various reports say.

It seems the somewhat-down-on-her-luck starlet went to Montreal earlier this month, for a nightclub appearance (uh, like I said: down… luck…) but when she got in the airport, authorities allegedly interrogated her for about an hour because of DUI convictions.

They eventually let her in. On with the show!

Poor Danny Boy - he’s a-wearing o’ the green, alright – but he’s stuck at LAX. Even worse, he’s getting thirsty.

Fear not, me boyo – the Los Angeles Times to the rescue with a new airport terminal guide for beer lovers – so you can get an infusion, fast.

For example, head to LAX Terminal 1 for some Gordon Biersch. In Philly, try the Jet Rock Bar and Grill (Concourses B, D and F) with 48 beers on draft. And in Portland, Oregon, they got Organic Tree-Hugger Porter (why am I not surprised?).

It may not be green, but why quibble? Oh, and remember – do not get drunk on a plane. You don’t want to end up like these guys, do you? And that goes double for you, pilots!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day. Yes, I know it’s tomorrow, but we Irish like to prepare.

Sleepless? Heck, yeah! All those people waiting for flights to take off — that weren’t taking off — had to sit/lie on the floor. The seats were long since taken.

No seats — and no food! According to this roundup report of the nasty weekend from KATU TV, concessionaires were having trouble getting deliveries because some roads were closed.

No seats, no food, no roads. Okay, some people said, that’s it — we’re outta here! So they left — make that, tried to leave — but as we know, some roads were closed, and, Amtrak service and a lot of bus routes were cancelled.

To my stuck-in-Seattle friends: I know it doesn’t help but I feel a little of your pain — my own spawn was due in LA Saturday evening, but didn’t arrive til 4:30am on Sunday.

…but we rarely get one like this:

It seems a parking lot at Miami International (“Airport Fast Park”) has hired Yoga instructors to ride the shuttles from the lot to the airport this Thanksgiving, so they can give passengers “yoga tips”.

These are tips about exercises you can do while sitting down. Sounds fair.

Why are they doing this? According to the press release, “to help travelers forget about the anxieties of lost luggage, delayed flights and visiting family and remember to breathe…etc., etc., etc….”

“Remember to breathe” — I will remember that.

The new Col. H. Weir Cook Terminal at Indianapolis International Airport cost roughly $1.1 billion to build. Now, much of the cost has gone towards green projects intended to help the environment and save money over time. However, a portion of the cost ($3.9 million if you’re counting) has gone to the art world.

The airport has commissioned several artists to create pieces inspired by flight and travel that will hopefully make your travel experience a little better. Those flying to or through Indianapolis will get a chance to view everything from sculptures derived from wings and luggage to the much-ballyhooed “Flightwave,” which is described as a “prominently featured shimmering glass wall in the north wing at the new airport. The wall includes small chevrons – a V-shape design – that reflect unexpected colors and represent birds or flight.” (from the Herald Bulletin)

The hope of many (including the artists behind “Flightwave”) is that these pieces will help fliers relax a little while making their way to their gates. Now, I love a shimmering glass wall as much as the next person, but I’m not sure if it’ll help me cope with an extended delay or cancellation.

Remember the “old FareCompare.com”? Pretty humdrum site, right?

Well, hold onto your hats – the site has changed. For the better.

See for yourself, here – the New & Improved Farecompare.com has got all kinds of special tools and videos and other cool stuff that means finding the cheapest airfares is easier than ever.

Let me repeat: FINDING THE CHEAPEST AIRFARES IS EASIER THAN EVER.

Something else very cool: you can now find Southwest airfares on FareCompare.com, along with airfares from 500 other carriers. And check out Southwest’s extra cool holiday sale.

Check it out. And yeah – you will be glad you did so.

Yes, you won’t be finding any grizzlies at Juneau International at the moment – but this is not to say you shouldn’t keep a sharp eye out in the parking lot.

According to a report in the Kansas City Star, there was an “accidental discharge of anti-bear spray” at the airport that serves Alaska’s capital – and it shut down the airport for 90 minutes.

Now I’ve got some questions:

• 1. Why do people from Kansas care about this?
• 2. What’s in bear repellent – I mean, what could possibly repel them — the smell of Godzilla?
• 3. What was “anti-bear spray” doing at the airport?
• 4. Did the Governor have any comment on this?

If any of you out there can provide answers, our operators are standing by.