Are you getting as sick of this as I am?

The story: 100 passengers aboard a United jet on a runway at Heathrow were told to get off the plane – after they’d been sitting there for an hour.

Why? They were told the pilot was “sick”. But he wasn’t sick. He’d been arrested. The charge was “suspicion of exceeding the prescribed alcohol limit.”

He’s out on bail, and yes, United is saying all the usual things, like safety-is-our-highest-priority and we’ve-got-the-strictest-alcohol-policy-in-the-world, but you know what? None of that means anything if your people don’t do it.

And it’s not just United – an American pilot ran into allegedly similar difficulties at Heathrow earlier this year.

Is it really so difficult? Avoiding alcohol? I don’t think so. Millions of other people somehow manage to show up at work perfectly sober, day in and day out. Tawdry.

Well this was an ugly mess.

Some tourists from New York were on a Carnival Cruise that stopped in Antigua and our tourists nosed around and decided to take a taxi to the beach.

But when the cabbie said, “That’ll be $100″, the tourists said, “Too much” so the driver took them to a police station where a brawl ensued. The tourists claim the cops were in plainclothes so they didn’t know they were cops and besides, “They started it.” One of the cops said, “Want to see my bite mark, the one that required stitches?”

While the trial was underway, a plea agreement was reached, and the tourists will be sentenced Monday.

18 year old Colton Harris-Moore is suspected of stealing at least three small private planes – he flies off with them. And then he crashes them. Well, at least one of them, but then, he’s never had a flying lesson so there you go.

Anyway, he’s got some Facebook fans (quelle surprise) who liken him to “Jesse James – without the murders” (plug time: if you want to read more about the real, murderous Jesse, and learn how you can see his ghost, see Rick’s Halloween post on the subject).

Where was I? Oh, yeah, the kid – anyway, police consider this kid a fugitive – he was doing time in a juvenile facility for other misdeeds, then walked away from his half-way house – and now he sort of lives in the wilds of the Northwest – out in the woods or in empty cabins.

Gotta love mothers – Colton’s mother says, her baby hasn’t been stealing any planes, adding “Wouldn’t you need a little bit of training in flying a plane? They’re not easy.”

No, they’re not, Mom. That’s why he crashed that last one. Allegedly.

We’re not going to debate the merits of that director’s arrest here – there are plenty of other sites that are doing that. Instead, we will talk venues: like that airport in Zurich (ZRH).

After all, airports have been serving up Hollywood arrestees (and others) since forever. Some memorable busts over the years featured these celebrities – followed by a brief synopsis of the allegations against them:

• Paul McCartney, in Tokyo (NRT), 1980 – marijuana
• Christian Slater, in New York (JFK), 1994 — firearm
• Axl Rose, in Phoenix (PHX), 1998 – disorderly conduct
• Dionne Warwick, in Miami (MIA), 2002 — marijuana
• Richard Simmons, in Phoenix (PHX), 2004 – slapping a man in the face

And there’s Snoop Dogg. In 2006 – he was arrested in London (LHR) and John Wayne in Orange County, Calif. (SNA) and Bob Hope in Burbank (BUR) – on a variety of charges.

The DEA has arrested a bunch of people who were allegedly involved in an extracurricular for-profit business – smuggling drugs from Puerto Rico to the U.S. mainland.

The entrepreneurial entourage included 8 American Airlines employees, who worked in Miami and San Juan.

Listen, we know times are tough, but sheesh – crime is never the answer. Well, okay, sometimes it seems like crime pays, but really – it doesn’t.

AA’s Tim Wagner said, “We hope the actions of a few employees don’t reflect negatively on the tens of thousands of ethical American Airlines employees who work hard to serve the public daily.”

I’m with you there, Tim.

Word to the wise: in China, do not put hand in cookie jar.

I’d say, just ask the former head of the state owned airport holding company – that runs 30 airports throughout China – except, you can’t. He’s been executed by authorities.

What’d he do? According to news reports, he embezzled more than $12 million dollars – and accepted almost $4 million more in bribes.

In case you didn’t realize it, China is serious about stamping out official corruption – as one fellow learned the really, really hard way.

A 50 year old man from Anaheim, California was convicted last week of interfering with a flight crew. But the guy was very lucky — the federal jury deadlocked on the charge of assaulting a crew member.

The passenger in question was aboard a United flight from Hong Kong to LAX when he got “unruly” (love that word). According an LA Times report, prosecutors said the man “had been drinking and was so belligerent and verbally abusive that crew members, a passenger and [an] off-duty pilot restrained his hands with plastic handcuffs.”

Which didn’t prevent him from punching the off-duty pilot in the neck when the pilot tried put his hand on the guy’s shoulder to try and keep the raging fellow in his seat. That’s when he was duct taped to his seat. When he started chewing his way out of the duct tape, they brought out metal handcuffs which did the trick.

He could face 20 years, but prosecutors say he’ll likely get less time — sentencing is in the fall.

Don’t drink and fly.

A California businessman on a flight from Hong Kong to LAX last year got into a bit of a scuffle (the AP story doesn’t name the airline) – and may be heading to prison.

He’s been convicted of interfering with a flight crew – a felony – and could face 20 years. Prosecutors said the man had been drinking when he punched an off-duty pilot (who was trying to restrain him) and then punched a flight attendant for good measure.

The convictee is now looking for a new trial – his lawyer says he had “a violent reaction to what he thought were sleeping pills purchased from a Chinese pharmacy, but the pills turned out to be Ambien.” Does that make sense? Anyone?

Pity poor Mytchell Mora, a 39-year-old “freelance entertainment news producer.” This guy can’t get arrested!

Literally. Mora traveled to Cuba, breaking the U.S. travel ban there, and upon his return, ‘fessed up to the Customs folks, and – nada.

He didn’t even get his purchases confiscated – including his red-and-green souvenir Che Guevara beret!

His point, of course, is to challenge the travel ban, and I suppose, do away with it. However, this is the fourth time he’s apparently broken the law by traveling to Cuba, with little to show for it. Apparently, no one cares – or else the feds got bigger fish to fry.

Don’t know if you’ve ever heard of Freddie Gonzales, but he was news back in 1989.

That’s when Freddie, a convicted armed robber, and a colleague (okay, cell mate) escaped from prison in a helicopter that had been hijacked by his wife.

Of course, they were later caught and everyone went back to prison (the missus, too) – but you’d be surprised how many people go the escape-from-prison-by-helicopter route. Wiki has tons of examples – including my favorite, a Miami prison break that failed because too many guys hopped aboard and the overloaded helicopter crashed in the yard. Oops!

There have been a few movies on the subject, most notably I suppose, 1975’s “Breakout” with Charles Bronson. Can’t go wrong with Chuck.

Meanwhile, Freddie Gonzales is a pretty lucky guy – he’s out of prison and he’s only 41 years old (his wife is out now, too, but I don’t know if they’re still together). However, Mr. Escapee must still undergo another ten years of “intensive supervision.”

Crime – it does not pay.

It starts off like a real hoo-hah – a passenger onboard a US Airways flight from Charlotte to Los Angeles- a 50 year old man from the Bronx – decides to take his clothes off. Every stitch.

This is where one would normally make a reference to Air New Zealand’s TV ad featuring crew members wearing nothing more than a coat of paint.

However…it seems pretty clear this guy was mentally ill. He later told the FBI in Albuquerque (where the plane diverted because the fellow would not put his clothes back on) that he hadn’t taken his medication, and he had no memory of anything he’d done on the flight.

Something else to consider: before the flight took off from Charlotte, a “flight service supervisor” with US Airways saw this man “dancing in a crowded boarding area” but determined he had not been drinking, ergo he was good to go on the flight.

I realize flight crews/gate agents are not trained psychologists, but I might dig a little deeper if I saw some poor guy dancing (and presumably making a spectacle of himself) in public. Should he have flown? Clearly not. But who was watching out for this guy? No one.

A man aboard a JetBlue flight from New York to New Orleans last February (just a few days before Mardi Gras) – threw a what appeared to be a drunken fit on the plane, and could face some heavy time. Like, 29 years. Plus a million dollar fine.

That’s because the drunk in question – alleged drunk – made the mistake of claiming to be an Air Marshal. That’s called, impersonating a federal officer. He also claimed to be an airline pilot, and who knows what else.

Flight attendants said the man was loud and disruptive, as well as threatening. And he used the “b” word, the one that rhymes with rich.

Nola.com reports that a trial date (in New York) has been set for August.

Two rules to live by: Don’t get drunk on a plane. Don’t show up drunk. Don’t be stupid. Okay, that’s three rules, big deal.

You may remember the tale of these two fellows -if not, check this out – it’s a good read.

One of them was – allegedly – a rogue airline employee of US Airways. His buddy (and roommate) was a passenger on US Airways. Together, police say, they pulled the old switcheroo by exchanging carryon bags at the gate — so the passenger could board his plane with a handgun on him.

Both have now been formally charged in federal court.

Both are out on bail. I don’t know what else going on in the life and times of Mr. Passenger but Mr. Airline Employee is now Mr. Ex-Employee.

Remember the poor fellow who “ate something bad” and had to use the airline lavatory only it was blocked by a drink cart? So he ran to business class, but was stopped by a flight attendant who then claimed the man twisted her arm?

Well, basically federal prosecutors dropped the case – if he completes a three-month diversion program. Plus the man “had to acknowledge he did not handle the situation as well as he should have.”

My questions: Diversion program? Diversion from what? Makes you wonder if they’ll send him to bladder control school or something.

And don’t forget, this fellow already spent two nights in jail. I think he’s paid his debt to society, huh?

This happened last summer.

A woman boarded a Southwest flight in Nashville, heading for somewhere in California (the story in the Tennessean is a little short on specifics) and she was texting on her cell phone. That’s when a male flight attendant “rudely” approached her and told her “to turn off [the] phone and buckle up.”

The nerve!

She claims she immediately complied. She also claims, that didn’t matter, because the flight attendant returned eight more times to tell the woman to turn off her phone. Finally the flight attendant threatened to throw her off the plane and the “exasperated” passenger basically responded with, “go ahead” – and they did. The pilot returned to the gate and off she went. According to her attorney, the charges were eventually dismissed and now she’s suing.

Seems to me there’s a whole lot missing from this report. I say this because I’m pretty sure flight attendants are busy enough without feeling the need to tell people to turn off cell phones that are already off. And call me crazy, but do pilots really bother returning planes to gates and trashing their airlines’ schedule all because someone complied with a crew request?

Southwest isn’t comment (pending suit and all) – but you can comment – below.

A Queens, NY woman got into a bit of a scuffle aboard a JetBlue flight last summer.

It seems she lit up on the plane, even though nobody said the magic words, “Smoke if ya got ‘em.”

In fact, one cannot smoke on planes anymore, AS WE ALL KNOW. Ms. Queens however puffed away, and got angry when told to stop. In fact, she allegedly slugged a flight attendant.

Eventually, she’s hauled before a judge and receives a slap on the wrist – probation and a fine – plus orders to “seek out” anger management counseling. Alas, she was back in front of the judge again this week – for violating her probation – by allegedly assaulting her sister-in-law.

Now she’s being held without bail. Wonder who taught her anger management class? I’m thinking Wolverine…

She kicked at seats, then roamed the United plane, babbling incoherently.

And for the piece de resistance – she allegedly drank a dispenser of liquid hand soap from one of the plane’s lavatories.

Not surprisingly, the culprit – described as a Russian-born artist living in London – caused the LA to London flight to be diverted to Bangor, Maine. She apparently told authorities she consumed sleeping pills, prescription medications, an undetermined amount of alcohol – and yes, according to reports, liquid hand soap (a UK newspaper following the situation helpfully informs us that “liquid soap is sometimes consumed for its alcohol content”).

The woman’s explanation for all this? “It’s typical of me. I sometimes do crazy things.”

By the way, she’d gone to LA to meet up with someone she met online. I’m thinking somebody is counting their lucky stars right about now…

…and One Completely Clueless Airline.

The airline is Northwest – the action takes place at Oregon’s Portland International – and the tale is courtesy of the Oregonian.

A Northwest baggage handler – one Bridgette Bunnell – calls the cops back in January to report that one of her underlings, Jose Trejo Romero, is stealing stuff from checked-bags.

According to an affidavit, the police put in surveillance cameras and sure enough, there’s Jose shoving stuff down his shirt and later hauling it off to his locker. Good stuff like jewelry, laptops, designer handbags and more.

And then, the cops get another tip – suggesting they might want to question Bunnell a little more closely. Turns out (again, according the affidavit) the woman who ratted out the baggage handler, was in on the thefts, and only called the cops when Jose quit giving her a share of the loot!

It gets better. Way back last summer, several employees actually went to Northwest management and told them about the thefts – and nothing was done! In fact the supervisor of the two alleged thieves admits he heard rumors, but apparently didn’t do anything about it – even though he was aware that Bunnell was “frequently on the airline computer listing purses on eBay”.

Couple of questions:

• How come the cops had to put in surveillance cameras? Why weren’t any in place?
• How come (according to the affidavit) Jose and Bunnell were able to get away with this for two years?
• How come the supervisor lets employees use airline computers for personal fencing?

With everything there is to worry about in the world of travel today like catching swine flu – you’d think the idiots would calm down for awhile.

But, no.

A man rushed the cockpit of a Tel Aviv-bound Delta flight on Friday, banged on the door – and was then rushed by passengers and crew. Nice work, everyone.

I heard they tied him up with a bunch of seatbelts – “Here’s your straitjacket, sir” – and naturally, the flight had to be diverted. It went to Boston, where the cops were waiting.

Unfortunately no one seems to know why he did what he did. And that kills me – all this tsuris what with the delays and all – and no one even asks him why? Believe me – I would have.

So this man claims he ate something “bad” and had to use the bathroom. Like, immediately. But a cart is blocking his way to the coach lavatories.

This, btw, is on a Delta flight last month – from Honduras to Atlanta.

Anyway, he asks if he can use the bathroom in business class. No. So he waits…and waits…but as we all know, a watched cart never comes to a boil, or moves, or something. He can’t get by.

At this point, our Hero is so desperate – that he runs to business class. He says a flight attendant put out her arm to block his way, and he grabbed it so he wouldn’t fall. The flight attendant says, he grabbed her arm – and twisted it. Ow.

According to the AP, the guy was arrested upon arrival and spent 2 days in jail (seems kind of harsh, no?). What the story doesn’t tell us is whether or not he actually got inside the business class lavatory, but we will assume – mission accomplished.

You would think a 60 year old fellow from England would know better.

The gentleman in question decided his Delta flight was idling on the tarmac at JFK just a wee bit too long and he was getting anxious to depart for Las Vegas, so – he decided to open one of the emergency exit doors.

The flight attendants however, felt this was a bad idea and stopped him.

The interesting question in my mind is, what did he think he would accomplish? Perhaps he thought if he jumped out and ran around to the front of the plane, he could signal the pilots to get a move on? But then – how to get back on the plane? I don’t think he thought this one out very carefully.

Anyway, at last report, he never did make it to Vegas – the cops arrested him and he is facing charges of reckless endangerment. He should have taken lessons from this guy – who did get the door open – and took off.

Always wanted to use “fracas” in a sentence…

The scene: Saturday night – Southwest flight 1402 from Phoenix to Detroit.

The situation: A witness said a 60-somethingish female passenger was waiting in line to use the lavatory when a man “apparently bumped into her”. Doesn’t sound like much, but it was enough to unravel this woman. As a Detroit TV station reported, “She accused him of trying to touch her and she just started slapping him in the face, going crazy on him.” Apparently she also fought with the crew – who decided to make an emergency landing.

The resolution: Lavatory lady was dropped off in Denver, where presumably she continued on to another restroom. That is, if the cops allowed it.

Oddly enough, there is no mention of alcohol in any of the scoops about this dust-up.

Asher Roth may love college, but he also loves playing superhero – or so it would seem. In January, he participated in detaining a man who made a bomb threat on Roth’s plane.

Then there was Coolio, he of the Grammy award-winning “Gangsta’s Paradise” – according to TMZ, the singer was busted last week at LAX for allegedly having crack cocaine on his person.

Roth was on Delta, Coolio on Southwest.

I’m sure it doesn’t matter — heck, with all the cheap airfare sales going on now, I imagine they both got a fine deal.

So, it’s 10am, and this guy’s on his way to his grandmother’s funeral.

What to do? Get drunk, of course!

Then – get arrested. Yes, this is a familiar story to the stalwart readers of StandardUprightPosition. And now, you can also read all about this latest incident on our brother-blog, RickSeaney.com.

Rick’s got more details – plus, he wants to know if airlines should stop selling booze altogether. Oh, the horror!

South African Airways isn’t having the best few weeks. It seems they just can’t keep their crews from engaging in a bit of drug trafficking.

On January 21, a 15-member South African Airways flight crew was caught with cocaine and cannabis in their luggage worth about 310,000 GBP (about $442,168). Now, just this week, another crew from the airline was caught at Heathrow with 5kg of cocaine in their bags worth 250,000 GBP (about $356,597).

We’ll keep you updated on the latest crew to get caught in the act. In the meantime, why not get caught up on some other “out there” flight crew stories.