Are you getting as sick of this as I am?

The story: 100 passengers aboard a United jet on a runway at Heathrow were told to get off the plane – after they’d been sitting there for an hour.

Why? They were told the pilot was “sick”. But he wasn’t sick. He’d been arrested. The charge was “suspicion of exceeding the prescribed alcohol limit.”

He’s out on bail, and yes, United is saying all the usual things, like safety-is-our-highest-priority and we’ve-got-the-strictest-alcohol-policy-in-the-world, but you know what? None of that means anything if your people don’t do it.

And it’s not just United – an American pilot ran into allegedly similar difficulties at Heathrow earlier this year.

Is it really so difficult? Avoiding alcohol? I don’t think so. Millions of other people somehow manage to show up at work perfectly sober, day in and day out. Tawdry.

Well this was an ugly mess.

Some tourists from New York were on a Carnival Cruise that stopped in Antigua and our tourists nosed around and decided to take a taxi to the beach.

But when the cabbie said, “That’ll be $100″, the tourists said, “Too much” so the driver took them to a police station where a brawl ensued. The tourists claim the cops were in plainclothes so they didn’t know they were cops and besides, “They started it.” One of the cops said, “Want to see my bite mark, the one that required stitches?”

While the trial was underway, a plea agreement was reached, and the tourists will be sentenced Monday.

18 year old Colton Harris-Moore is suspected of stealing at least three small private planes – he flies off with them. And then he crashes them. Well, at least one of them, but then, he’s never had a flying lesson so there you go.

Anyway, he’s got some Facebook fans (quelle surprise) who liken him to “Jesse James – without the murders” (plug time: if you want to read more about the real, murderous Jesse, and learn how you can see his ghost, see Rick’s Halloween post on the subject).

Where was I? Oh, yeah, the kid – anyway, police consider this kid a fugitive – he was doing time in a juvenile facility for other misdeeds, then walked away from his half-way house – and now he sort of lives in the wilds of the Northwest – out in the woods or in empty cabins.

Gotta love mothers – Colton’s mother says, her baby hasn’t been stealing any planes, adding “Wouldn’t you need a little bit of training in flying a plane? They’re not easy.”

No, they’re not, Mom. That’s why he crashed that last one. Allegedly.

We’re not going to debate the merits of that director’s arrest here – there are plenty of other sites that are doing that. Instead, we will talk venues: like that airport in Zurich (ZRH).

After all, airports have been serving up Hollywood arrestees (and others) since forever. Some memorable busts over the years featured these celebrities – followed by a brief synopsis of the allegations against them:

• Paul McCartney, in Tokyo (NRT), 1980 – marijuana
• Christian Slater, in New York (JFK), 1994 — firearm
• Axl Rose, in Phoenix (PHX), 1998 – disorderly conduct
• Dionne Warwick, in Miami (MIA), 2002 — marijuana
• Richard Simmons, in Phoenix (PHX), 2004 – slapping a man in the face

And there’s Snoop Dogg. In 2006 – he was arrested in London (LHR) and John Wayne in Orange County, Calif. (SNA) and Bob Hope in Burbank (BUR) – on a variety of charges.

The DEA has arrested a bunch of people who were allegedly involved in an extracurricular for-profit business – smuggling drugs from Puerto Rico to the U.S. mainland.

The entrepreneurial entourage included 8 American Airlines employees, who worked in Miami and San Juan.

Listen, we know times are tough, but sheesh – crime is never the answer. Well, okay, sometimes it seems like crime pays, but really – it doesn’t.

AA’s Tim Wagner said, “We hope the actions of a few employees don’t reflect negatively on the tens of thousands of ethical American Airlines employees who work hard to serve the public daily.”

I’m with you there, Tim.

Word to the wise: in China, do not put hand in cookie jar.

I’d say, just ask the former head of the state owned airport holding company – that runs 30 airports throughout China – except, you can’t. He’s been executed by authorities.

What’d he do? According to news reports, he embezzled more than $12 million dollars – and accepted almost $4 million more in bribes.

In case you didn’t realize it, China is serious about stamping out official corruption – as one fellow learned the really, really hard way.

A 50 year old man from Anaheim, California was convicted last week of interfering with a flight crew. But the guy was very lucky — the federal jury deadlocked on the charge of assaulting a crew member.

The passenger in question was aboard a United flight from Hong Kong to LAX when he got “unruly” (love that word). According an LA Times report, prosecutors said the man “had been drinking and was so belligerent and verbally abusive that crew members, a passenger and [an] off-duty pilot restrained his hands with plastic handcuffs.”

Which didn’t prevent him from punching the off-duty pilot in the neck when the pilot tried put his hand on the guy’s shoulder to try and keep the raging fellow in his seat. That’s when he was duct taped to his seat. When he started chewing his way out of the duct tape, they brought out metal handcuffs which did the trick.

He could face 20 years, but prosecutors say he’ll likely get less time — sentencing is in the fall.

Don’t drink and fly.

A California businessman on a flight from Hong Kong to LAX last year got into a bit of a scuffle (the AP story doesn’t name the airline) – and may be heading to prison.

He’s been convicted of interfering with a flight crew – a felony – and could face 20 years. Prosecutors said the man had been drinking when he punched an off-duty pilot (who was trying to restrain him) and then punched a flight attendant for good measure.

The convictee is now looking for a new trial – his lawyer says he had “a violent reaction to what he thought were sleeping pills purchased from a Chinese pharmacy, but the pills turned out to be Ambien.” Does that make sense? Anyone?

Pity poor Mytchell Mora, a 39-year-old “freelance entertainment news producer.” This guy can’t get arrested!

Literally. Mora traveled to Cuba, breaking the U.S. travel ban there, and upon his return, ‘fessed up to the Customs folks, and – nada.

He didn’t even get his purchases confiscated – including his red-and-green souvenir Che Guevara beret!

His point, of course, is to challenge the travel ban, and I suppose, do away with it. However, this is the fourth time he’s apparently broken the law by traveling to Cuba, with little to show for it. Apparently, no one cares – or else the feds got bigger fish to fry.

Don’t know if you’ve ever heard of Freddie Gonzales, but he was news back in 1989.

That’s when Freddie, a convicted armed robber, and a colleague (okay, cell mate) escaped from prison in a helicopter that had been hijacked by his wife.

Of course, they were later caught and everyone went back to prison (the missus, too) – but you’d be surprised how many people go the escape-from-prison-by-helicopter route. Wiki has tons of examples – including my favorite, a Miami prison break that failed because too many guys hopped aboard and the overloaded helicopter crashed in the yard. Oops!

There have been a few movies on the subject, most notably I suppose, 1975’s “Breakout” with Charles Bronson. Can’t go wrong with Chuck.

Meanwhile, Freddie Gonzales is a pretty lucky guy – he’s out of prison and he’s only 41 years old (his wife is out now, too, but I don’t know if they’re still together). However, Mr. Escapee must still undergo another ten years of “intensive supervision.”

Crime – it does not pay.