Are you getting as sick of this as I am?

The story: 100 passengers aboard a United jet on a runway at Heathrow were told to get off the plane – after they’d been sitting there for an hour.

Why? They were told the pilot was “sick”. But he wasn’t sick. He’d been arrested. The charge was “suspicion of exceeding the prescribed alcohol limit.”

He’s out on bail, and yes, United is saying all the usual things, like safety-is-our-highest-priority and we’ve-got-the-strictest-alcohol-policy-in-the-world, but you know what? None of that means anything if your people don’t do it.

And it’s not just United – an American pilot ran into allegedly similar difficulties at Heathrow earlier this year.

Is it really so difficult? Avoiding alcohol? I don’t think so. Millions of other people somehow manage to show up at work perfectly sober, day in and day out. Tawdry.

Did you know? According to India Today, it is NOT a criminal offense for a pilot in India to report to work drunk – which they sometimes do, especially at “festive seasons” including Christmas, New Year’s and Diwali.

This is from the article:

“It [drunk pilots] is an old issue,” said a retired pilot, after Air India had to scramble to replace an inebriated pilot on a Mumbai to New York run. He added that the airlines don’t want to take any harsh or punitive action against them, because “there is a shortage of experienced pilots”.

Uh…any pilots in India out there who would like to respond? I wish you would…

It’s always fun seeing the words “drunken socialite” in print, and thanks to the New York Daily News, we can.

Witnesses in a court proceeding say Clare Irby, “a descendant of the Guinness brewing family” got a little frisky on a flight from Bangalore, India to London on Kingfisher Airlines (a five star airline, naturally). She allegedly got extra-friendly with a male passenger – in between bouts of screaming at flight attendants and ignoring her two year old child.

And at least some of the passengers started complaining about the PDAP’s (Public Displays of Affection on Planes).

The most shocking thing? Not the alleged thong-baring, but the fact that Socialite Irby – who admitted to being tipsy – was not lapping up stout. She was drinking red wine – and I’m sure there’s a Guinness or two rolling over in the Old Sod as we speak.

And…speaking of Guinness – did you know the Dublin-based brewery is celebrating its 250^th anniversary this year? Raise a glass – and keep your undies out of sight.

A 50 year old man from Anaheim, California was convicted last week of interfering with a flight crew. But the guy was very lucky — the federal jury deadlocked on the charge of assaulting a crew member.

The passenger in question was aboard a United flight from Hong Kong to LAX when he got “unruly” (love that word). According an LA Times report, prosecutors said the man “had been drinking and was so belligerent and verbally abusive that crew members, a passenger and [an] off-duty pilot restrained his hands with plastic handcuffs.”

Which didn’t prevent him from punching the off-duty pilot in the neck when the pilot tried put his hand on the guy’s shoulder to try and keep the raging fellow in his seat. That’s when he was duct taped to his seat. When he started chewing his way out of the duct tape, they brought out metal handcuffs which did the trick.

He could face 20 years, but prosecutors say he’ll likely get less time — sentencing is in the fall.

Don’t drink and fly.

A California businessman on a flight from Hong Kong to LAX last year got into a bit of a scuffle (the AP story doesn’t name the airline) – and may be heading to prison.

He’s been convicted of interfering with a flight crew – a felony – and could face 20 years. Prosecutors said the man had been drinking when he punched an off-duty pilot (who was trying to restrain him) and then punched a flight attendant for good measure.

The convictee is now looking for a new trial – his lawyer says he had “a violent reaction to what he thought were sleeping pills purchased from a Chinese pharmacy, but the pills turned out to be Ambien.” Does that make sense? Anyone?

My nominee for Man of the Year:

A 59 year old Brit flew from Manchester to Palma de Mallorca – but didn’t go to the beach. Instead, he hung out at the airport and handed out thousands of dollars (okay, euros).

This we know: the man was laughing continuously – and was really, really drunk (we know this because the cops said so, plus he was, uh, filthy – let’s leave it at that).

Spanish police say our hero apparently had just come into an inheritance – and when they detained him, he had about $72,000 on him – but no one knows how much he gave away – or why. Hope he didn’t start out with a million, or that’s gonna be some hangover.

The cops put him on a plane and sent him home.

A man aboard a JetBlue flight from New York to New Orleans last February (just a few days before Mardi Gras) – threw a what appeared to be a drunken fit on the plane, and could face some heavy time. Like, 29 years. Plus a million dollar fine.

That’s because the drunk in question – alleged drunk – made the mistake of claiming to be an Air Marshal. That’s called, impersonating a federal officer. He also claimed to be an airline pilot, and who knows what else.

Flight attendants said the man was loud and disruptive, as well as threatening. And he used the “b” word, the one that rhymes with rich.

Nola.com reports that a trial date (in New York) has been set for August.

Two rules to live by: Don’t get drunk on a plane. Don’t show up drunk. Don’t be stupid. Okay, that’s three rules, big deal.

Information, as they say, is sketchy – but an American Airlines pilot did indeed fail a breath test at London’s Heathrow just before he was to pilot a plane to Chicago.

Apparently security staff as Heathrow noticed something amiss – alerted the police – and the unnamed pilot was tested. We are presuming this was for alcohol, but that is not known. The passengers had to cool their heels for awhile, as the airline had to hunt up a replacement.

I’d say it’s a good thing someone noticed something – the Chicago-bound flight carried 204 passengers – I can see the grim headlines now.

Stupid pilot. By drinking – or abusing another substance – you risked your career, your life, and the lives of so many others. Fortunately, you wound up only risking your career.

So tell us, pal- was it worth it?

Remember when boarding a plane was an occasion? When you didn’t have to worry about drunks onboard because flying was for the few – the elite?

Well, I remember, sonny, and it sure was nice!

Daniel L. Rust remembers too, and he’s got a big new book out that tells you all about those dear-dead-days called, “Flying Across America: The Airline Passenger Experience”. It got a good review from the Wall St. Journal so you might want to check it out.

Plus, it’s filled with cool vintage airline photos and ads – like the one you see at left.

Flying was nice then – plus, you didn’t have to worry about the lavatory running out of liquid soap because someone was busy drinking it.

O Canada!

You tried to keep Lindsay Lohan out, didn’t you? Well, that’s what various reports say.

It seems the somewhat-down-on-her-luck starlet went to Montreal earlier this month, for a nightclub appearance (uh, like I said: down… luck…) but when she got in the airport, authorities allegedly interrogated her for about an hour because of DUI convictions.

They eventually let her in. On with the show!

She kicked at seats, then roamed the United plane, babbling incoherently.

And for the piece de resistance – she allegedly drank a dispenser of liquid hand soap from one of the plane’s lavatories.

Not surprisingly, the culprit – described as a Russian-born artist living in London – caused the LA to London flight to be diverted to Bangor, Maine. She apparently told authorities she consumed sleeping pills, prescription medications, an undetermined amount of alcohol – and yes, according to reports, liquid hand soap (a UK newspaper following the situation helpfully informs us that “liquid soap is sometimes consumed for its alcohol content”).

The woman’s explanation for all this? “It’s typical of me. I sometimes do crazy things.”

By the way, she’d gone to LA to meet up with someone she met online. I’m thinking somebody is counting their lucky stars right about now…

Starting next month, American Airlines will start using “stemmed tulip-shaped globes” – wineglasses – on its 777 and 767-200 planes. And not only will they be all nice and tulip-y, but they will be bigger!

Why are they doing this? So passengers can “more easily swirl the wine and enjoy its aromas”. But of course. And maybe put more of that tasty swirly stuff in the glass.

Let’s see, what else? Oh, yes, this is only for…first class passengers. Well, that lets me out. Grrr.

Poor Danny Boy - he’s a-wearing o’ the green, alright – but he’s stuck at LAX. Even worse, he’s getting thirsty.

Fear not, me boyo – the Los Angeles Times to the rescue with a new airport terminal guide for beer lovers – so you can get an infusion, fast.

For example, head to LAX Terminal 1 for some Gordon Biersch. In Philly, try the Jet Rock Bar and Grill (Concourses B, D and F) with 48 beers on draft. And in Portland, Oregon, they got Organic Tree-Hugger Porter (why am I not surprised?).

It may not be green, but why quibble? Oh, and remember – do not get drunk on a plane. You don’t want to end up like these guys, do you? And that goes double for you, pilots!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day. Yes, I know it’s tomorrow, but we Irish like to prepare.

So, it’s 10am, and this guy’s on his way to his grandmother’s funeral.

What to do? Get drunk, of course!

Then – get arrested. Yes, this is a familiar story to the stalwart readers of StandardUprightPosition. And now, you can also read all about this latest incident on our brother-blog, RickSeaney.com.

Rick’s got more details – plus, he wants to know if airlines should stop selling booze altogether. Oh, the horror!

Oh, I’m sure you remember this one: a Florida man sued United Airlines, saying they were responsible for him smacking his wife — because they “over-served” him (in this case, the culprit was wine).

It was a great defense while it lasted — well, in the Bizarro World, anyway.

But I guess all the headlines the case produced prompted some reflection on the part of our over-servee — perhaps some soul-searching. Whatever — late last month, he asked a U.S. District Court in Tampa to dismiss the case.

You can read all about this oddball case, right here.

Don’t know if you ever saw this post on brother-blog RickSeaney.com — it started a whole cat fight between those who prefer to fly with dogs and those who prefer to fly with children.

Now, Gadling poses an even more vital question — what would you prefer, flying WITH booze or WITHOUT?

Careful now — before you say, “Pass the potato juice, please” — ask yourself, what about all those poor sods who can’t hold their liquor? We’ve only done about 10,000 posts on them.

Why not take Gadling’s poll — and see where you stand (or lurch) compared to everyone else.

Delta’s Flight 47 from Moscow to Atlanta made an unscheduled stop in Newfoundland for nuisance removal — i.e., one of the airline’s paying guests was dumped into the arms of the Canadian police.

Delta isn’t saying what happened, but thank goodness for loose-lipped passengers. One of them told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution that the exiled passenger was drunk, adding “I was afraid he was going to try to jump out of the plane or something.”

Or something. It took 8-people — flight attendants and passengers — to subdue this guy, who managed to break his plastic restraints “a couple of times”. Then, when he was taken off the plane and put it a police car, he tried to kick out the windows of the vehicle.

Question: exactly when did airline travel cease being transportation and morph into “party in the sky“?

Ah. It’s been way too long since our last “drunk” post. Well, 4 weeks anyway. So sit back and enjoy.

It seems a couple were traveling on a United flight from Osaka to San Francisco, and the husband had so much to drink that, according to the lawsuit (I love this) “he could not manage himself”.

And being unmanageable, well, upon arrival in San Fran — he beat on his wife — and got himself arrested.

So he’s suing United for negligently overserving him — he wants the airline to pay for his bail, the pain and suffering, you name it. United responded rather tartly — saying that to suggest “we are somehow responsible for the consequences of a passenger’s physical assault on his own wife is without any merit whatsoever.”

I have no idea how much this guy was “served” but it has been my experience that flight attendants say “no” to inebriated passengers. And, drunk or sober, nobody should hit anyone, ever. Too bad I have to even say that…

A drunken passenger on a Turkish Airlines flight tried to hijack a plane today – the flight was from Turkey to Russia.

No one’s sure where this guy wanted to go, or why – only that he did not get there.

Details are hard to come by – as news accounts put it, there is “no further information about how the passenger was brought under control”.

Hmmm. Gotta wonder what “brought under control” means. But brought under control he was.

UPDATE: Guy was “overpowered by fellow passengers.” He had claimed he had a bomb, but really all he had was drink after drink after drink… Or so it’s alleged.

You know those mean-spirited stereotypes about British travelers being drunken louts?

Well, according to an article in Gadling…there’s a reason for the stereotype: it’s true!

Now, now, before you get your knickers in a twist, understand that I’ve got plenty of relatives in England and Ireland, and they all strike me as perfectly respectable types as do the vast majority of the folks I’ve encountered in this sceptred isle (and that emerald one, too).

That said, the Brits’ own Foreign Office issued a report saying the number of Britons arrested overseas — mostly for excessive drinking — is soaring.

Again, most are “good tourists” but the fun folks have a money-saving tip for the rest of us: don’t waste money on hotels, just stay up all night and party. Is that genius or what?

No, I never heard of the “National Survey of American Cocktail Culture, Attitudes and Trends” before, but then again, I don’t get out much.

Nevertheless, there is such a survey, and according to the 2008 edition, more than half of all business travelers (66%) will “happily pay more for cocktails made with premium or top shelf’ brands”.

Wait — do the biz travelers “happily” pay? Or does the company? And how happy is the company about all this premium-imbibing by their intrepid road warriors?

Okay business people, watch my finger. Now, touch your nose. Steady there!

We always hear about the drunks on the plane that disrupt everything — but then what?

Well, as Paul Harvey used to say (or still says for all I know), here’s the rest of the story. Well, the rest of one story, anyway.

Last December, a hockey player for the Florida Everblades got into a ruckus on an American Airlines flight when he didn’t get as much alcohol as he requested; and by ruckus, I mean he smacked a flight attendant, head-butted a passenger, and in a daring bit of deviltry, exposed himself.

Anyway, those ominous wheels of justice grind slowly, but grind they do, and this week our hockey player was sentenced to a year and a day in prison. Course, that probably means he’ll be out in a few days, but hey…

I love the word “rampage”.

And that’s what two British women are accused of going on. This was during a charter flight from Greece to England.

Flight attendants on the flight refused to serve the ladies alcohol, as it appeared they had already been “over-served” as they say. The ladies disagreed, and hit a flight attendant with a bottle of vodka.

Then they tried to open a cabin door as the plane was cruising at 32,000 feet — but readers of our brother blog, RickSeaney.com would not have been alarmed — they would know such a feat is impossible.

Let’s see. We’ve written about drunk Germans on a plane. Drunk Americans on a plane. Drunk Russians on a plane. See a unifying theme here?

Yes. The intoxicating brotherhood of man. We are the world.

What IS it with drunken passengers these days?

Used to be, they’d just sit there and get quietly soused. Today, they grab various portions of flight attendant personageorget real drunk and claim to be aterrorist (can you get any stupider?).

Our latest party boy was a first class passenger on Delta (see — it’s not just the rabble in coach);he got mad because he saw “lesser” passengers being allowed to deplane ahead of him. So, he put on his thinking cap, and decided HE’D deplane first — by pulling open an emergency hatch and sliding down the chute — whee!

A police officialsaid the man appeared intoxicated.And yourfirst clue was…?

A Delta official said,the manwill pay for his unauthorized ride.

This latest party boy incident (okay, sometimes these incidents involve party girls) was on an American flight yesterday (Dallas to Charlotte) when our hero got a little too happy.

What’s too happy?

According to gadling.com, in this case “too happy” was throwing ice around the cabin, saying bad words, and grabbing a flight attendant’s uh, hind-quarters. Happy juice of choice: rum and coke.

No doubt you’re thinking “crazed businessman” or “carefree-young-lad-making-merry-on-boring-flight” but you’d be wrong.

Party boy was traveling with the wife and kiddies.

How’s that spelled again? Oh, yeah. L-O-S-E-R.