Whoa! It seems a guy in first class on American Airlines asked for a glass of orange juice.

And with that, the flight attendant began screaming at him.

And she went on and on. Fortunately for this fellow, everyone around him saw what was happening and couldn’t believe it – and acting as a group, met with an airline rep to defend this guy, once their Sacramento to Dallas flight landed. Meanwhile, the flight attendant tried to get the O.J. fellow in big trouble, but the other passengers were having none of that.

Funny how some of the comments I’ve seen say, oh, don’t pick on flight attendants – maybe this woman was just having a very bad day. Well, apparently. But I don’t think anyone is picking on any group – including flight attendants – it just sounds like this woman is nuts.

Plenty of people out there are having bad days – plenty of people out there have seen their salaries chopped – their jobs disappear – plenty. But they don’t behave like this. This — this is inexcusable.

Weird doings down in W. Palm Beach…

A Princess gambling “cruise to nowhere” is in port because its new captain doesn’t have a license.

The old captain was fired yesterday, which “set off a near-riot on the deck” according to the Palm Beach Post. In fact, the situation got so bad that Customs and Border folks called in extra security to make sure that the rioters – foreign nationals who live and work on the ship – didn’t get off the vessel, since they are not legally allowed on U.S. soil.

What prompted the pandemonium? According to the workers, pay cuts and poor working conditions – some said their checks have been late and bouncing, though the company denies that. Meanwhile, the company claims the old captain allegedly attempted to organize a strike, which is why a new one was brought in – though you might have thought they’d at least ask him if he was carrying his license with him. Hey, these days we all have to be concerned with our licenses.

Still with me? Well, yesterday’s cruise was cancelled for reasons of rioting; today’s was cancelled for lack of license.

This is sad.

A fellow had a ticket to fly Southwest for his uncle’s funeral.

Fellow weighs 400 pounds. He said he could fit in the seat, that he flies “all the time” and said he’d even sit with his arms crossed over his chest to avoid bothering anyone.

Southwest said no, that he was just too big, and said he’d have to buy a second seat. The guy says, fine. Problem: there is no second seat. The flight is booked. Man misses funeral.

A lot of flights are booked solid these days, particularly during holiday periods. Here’s what the man should have done, according to Southwest’s “guidelines for customers of size“: he should have pro-actively booked two seats in advance. Guess he’ll know next time.

The guy says Southwest is giving him a refund. Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, I guess.

Just read a killer article by Brendan Ross for Wired.

For those that don’t know, Brian is on assignment for Wired, flying all over on his JetBlue “All You Can Jet” pass and blogging about it. He seems to be having a pretty good time – or was.

Then sat next to “Shauna”.

Clearly, Shauna (fake name) was full of surprises. One of the first things she did was, inquire if Brendan was allegoric to dogs, as she proceeded to pull a pop-eyed little mutt out of her purse.

Then she insisted that Brendan entertain her for the whole trip (the TV wasn’t working); she also announced her bathroom visits to one and all (“I have to PEE!”); she also discussed her former career as a Hooters waitress.

My only objection to the article is that Brendan never asked me if I required an alias.

Saw this on Channel 2 out of Chicago…

A 6 foot, 350 pound man is not happy with Southwest Airlines. Apparently the airline allowed Emery Orto to fly from Midway to Las Vegas, no problem, but stopped him as he was boarding the flight home and asked, “Can you put the armrests down when seated?”

He said he could, but Southwest ultimately grounded him anyway. Orto called this “humiliating” (but apparently it was not so humiliating that he passed up a chance to go on TV).

His main complaint: Southwest never “tested” him on the “putting-the-armrests-down” trick, but there’s more to the “passenger of size” rule at Southwest and other airlines – a policy that’s been around for years. Orto seemed to suggest that he wasn’t familiar with it – and in his defense, he was allowed to fly to Las Vegas.

Southwest told Ch. 2 that was a “mistake”. But they also said, the real issue with Orto was “anger” – that he was arguing with an “elevated voice” in a belligerent tone, and that other passengers weren’t comfortable flying with Orto after watching him lose his temper.

Orto meanwhile is talking about his “pain and suffering” and we all know where that’s going. Meanwhile, maybe the airlines better just suck it up and come out with specific height/weight/size charts – and no more guessing games.

Fish, fowl or fun-loving humans, we are all Somebody’s creatures – so the death of 4,000 tropical fish is not to be taken lightly (especially since they were worth about half a million dollars).

Cause of death: unclear. But the 15 hours it took to clear customs in brutal summer heat at the Black Sea resort of Sochi ought to tell you something, I suppose.

The picturesque piscinies (what — you never made up a word?) were heading toward Sochi Discovery World — Russia’s largest oceanarium – when tragedy struck. And it was a tragedy to the oceanarium’s director who called it an “atrocity unseen anywhere else in the world.”

Think I’ll beg to differ on that one…

In September, the skies will be filled with cats and dogs – so says USA Today.

It’s not a bizarre weather forecast – it’s an effort by private pilots to remove some 5,000 dogs and cats (and other creatures) from overcrowded shelters and bring them to other parts of the country where there is “space and demand for them.” In other words, they’re being removed from facilities where euthanasia is the answer to overcrowding, in favor of “no kill” shelters.

Nice. Don’t know if you know this, but about 6 million shelter animals are put to death each year.

I don’t want to sound like Bob Barker or anything, but you can blame all these deaths on stupid pet owners. Anyone who refuses to have their animal spayed/neutered shouldn’t have a pet. Can’t afford the procedure? Then you can’t afford a pet.

“A complete lack of common sense here.”

Those are the words of Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood, commenting on the recent “trapped on the tarmac” ordeal of nearly 50 passengers in Rochester, Minnesota.

You may recall that the passengers were heading to Minneapolis on a Continental flight – operated by ExpressJet – when they diverted to Rochester due to storms. But no one let them off the plane.

Meanwhile, the ExpressJet crew has been more or less cast as the bad guys in this saga, for supposedly forcing their passengers to sit on that plane, for nine hours – but, according to LaHood, they were actually very good guys. In fact, they pleaded with people in the airport to let the passengers come in, but – nothin’ doin’. ExpressJet executives also got into the act, with the same result.

The problem, apparently, is that ExpressJet was talking to people from Mesabe Airlines – the only carrier with a staff left in the airport at that late hour – and maybe they’d been appointed official-phone-answerers, I don’t know – but the Mesabe-ites kept saying, the passengers couldn’t come in.

Sounds nuts to me. Where were the airport people? If they weren’t around, why didn’t anyone know how to get hold of them?

How about some new procedures – like, “every airport must have a hotline for after-hours problems” – and every crew member should have that hotline number.

Since I’m no genius, I have to believe someone else has thought of this before, so – why hasn’t it been done?

Okay, I hated it.

And I may well be in the minority on this, but I found North Carolina’s Charlotte Douglas International to be insanely spread out – with nary a tram in sight.

“Oh, you poor pathetic little thing,” you may be thinking. Okay, you try to get from Terminal E to Terminal A or B in the 45 minutes allotted between your flights as I did last weekend. All I can say is, forget the kitten heels and stilettos and pull out your grandma sneakers cuz you are going to need ‘em.

It truly is a hike, with only moving sidewalks between you and utter despair – and naturally, no one obeys the stand-on-the-right-walk-on-the-left rules – no one.

I know, I know, they have a lot of cute shops and all – Simply Books, Rocky Mountain Chocolate, Time to Write, and, yeah, even a NASCAR shop (?) – and the people seem very nice there, but the only shopping experience I got was seeing a blur of storefronts as I sweatily streaked by (mind out of the gutter, please – I was decently covered).

Later I looked up some reviews of the airport, and was frankly shocked to see how many people really like Charlotte. I, however, did not. Where are the Els, the Trams, the Movers of People?

Anyone with me?

Sad and creepy story from the Washington Post, which points out that half of all scheduled flights in the U.S. today are operated by regional airlines. Piloted by people who make oh, maybe $20,000 to start -because the number of people flying has tanked and fares are cheap and pay has been cut.

How do you live on that? Crash pads.

Crash pads are temporary residences — like the suburban split level described in the Post that is the sometime home of 30 pilots, flight attendants, and other crew members. They’re packed into bunk beds – the basement sleeps 16, for example – and that’s how they live. A number of these guys describe themselves as “somewhat homeless”.

This is what happens when salaries are cut -or you’re transferred across the country from your “real home” – where the wife and kiddies live — and you don’t want to uproot them in case you’re transferred again. You do what you have to, to survive.

But hey, it’s not all doom and gloom – as a spokesman for one regional carrier says, the company supports “the right of our pilots to live where they choose…”

Pity poor Mytchell Mora, a 39-year-old “freelance entertainment news producer.” This guy can’t get arrested!

Literally. Mora traveled to Cuba, breaking the U.S. travel ban there, and upon his return, ‘fessed up to the Customs folks, and – nada.

He didn’t even get his purchases confiscated – including his red-and-green souvenir Che Guevara beret!

His point, of course, is to challenge the travel ban, and I suppose, do away with it. However, this is the fourth time he’s apparently broken the law by traveling to Cuba, with little to show for it. Apparently, no one cares – or else the feds got bigger fish to fry.

Sure, Los Angeles’ LAX is noisy – it’s an airport, for pete’s sake!

And it’s also noisy at Van Nuys (private planes) and Ontario, too. But too much noise is bad, so – thank goodness for WebTrak!

WebTrak is “a new online noise complaint system…for resident living near the [LA area] facilities”. According to a local wire service, it’s an easy way to report your complaints.

Well…not all that easy. It took some doing to find this new WebTrak on the Los Angeles International website – so here’s the link to the LAX info, save you some time – but once there, you get a cool map with little planes on it, showing them merrily take-offing and landing. Nice.

Problem is, I can’t figure out what they do with complaints. It doesn’t say. Surely, someone reads them. Hope so, but…somehow, I figure the residents of Torrance and Playa Del Rey and Inglewood aren’t going to be getting any decibel relief anytime soon. Hope I’m wrong.

Make that, walk and chew gum – at the same time!

It hadn’t been possible before at the fancy-schmancy Palm Beach International Airport in Florida because they banned gum sales for the past 20 years (“maintenance nightmare” according to ABC).

Until now, that is. What changed? Well, like most things, it all came down to filthy lucre.

You see, people like to buy and chew gum – and at least one shop at the airport estimated gum sales could bring in an additional $225,000 each year. Apparently, the county commissioners were moved by the shop’s plight – especially when someone pointed out that county itself could get an extra 50-grand from that revenue.

Ban lifted. Chomp away.

Well, would you be happy?

As Gadling tells it, 70 passengers “refused to board their Thomas Cook plane in Mallorca, Spain this week because the airline had asked them to all sit in the back of the plane.”

Essentially, they were to act as ballast – a counterweight, if you will, for all the luggage that was stacked up in the front of the cabin. Why was it stacked there? Because the workers on the ground couldn’t get the rear cargo door open. I guess they lost the manual.

I suppose I would have been disturbed, too – but these folks then paid hundreds of dollars to fly other airlines home. Now that would have given me pause.

Sort of a she-said, she-said deal here.

The scene: A JetBlue plane from New York to Seattle, last November.

The action: A 69 year old Seattle area woman said she is the victim of racism and anti-Muslim bias because she was not allowed to stretch out on a row of empty seats and take a snooze – as others were allowed to do.

The JetBlue flight attendant said she could not stay in her row of choice because it was an exit row and the woman was handicapped by limited English and physical limitations – but according to the Seattle Times report she was offered other empty rows to recline in. The passenger, a native of Pakistan, does not address this issue in the article.

More charges – the woman claims she was manhandled by crew members as she was escorted back to her assigned seat – and the flight attendant says the woman bruised her by grabbing her arm. The passenger also was said to be “unruly” and yelled and screamed at one point.

Bottom line: I suspect the language barrier was the real problem here. But – is that an excuse?

Well, at least we know the system works!

Someone among the flight crew (who? who??) on an American Airlines plane heading to Miami Monday accidentally flipped the switch that means, hijacking underway!

Only, there wasn’t one. Nevertheless, as CNN reported, “two fighter jets were scrambled from Homestead Air Reserve Base, and police and fire-rescue units flooded the tarmac.”

Okay, so we know it works. But I wonder how much that “scramble” cost anyway? I ought to get an answer, since I paid for that mistake – and you did, and you did, and everybody who pays their taxes did…

A Queens, NY woman got into a bit of a scuffle aboard a JetBlue flight last summer.

It seems she lit up on the plane, even though nobody said the magic words, “Smoke if ya got ‘em.”

In fact, one cannot smoke on planes anymore, AS WE ALL KNOW. Ms. Queens however puffed away, and got angry when told to stop. In fact, she allegedly slugged a flight attendant.

Eventually, she’s hauled before a judge and receives a slap on the wrist – probation and a fine – plus orders to “seek out” anger management counseling. Alas, she was back in front of the judge again this week – for violating her probation – by allegedly assaulting her sister-in-law.

Now she’s being held without bail. Wonder who taught her anger management class? I’m thinking Wolverine…

With everything there is to worry about in the world of travel today like catching swine flu – you’d think the idiots would calm down for awhile.

But, no.

A man rushed the cockpit of a Tel Aviv-bound Delta flight on Friday, banged on the door – and was then rushed by passengers and crew. Nice work, everyone.

I heard they tied him up with a bunch of seatbelts – “Here’s your straitjacket, sir” – and naturally, the flight had to be diverted. It went to Boston, where the cops were waiting.

Unfortunately no one seems to know why he did what he did. And that kills me – all this tsuris what with the delays and all – and no one even asks him why? Believe me – I would have.

Read a VERY disturbing report today…Travelista Christopher Elliott says hotels are trying to save money, so they’re cutting back on all those things like little bottles of shampoo or little bottles of lotion – you know, the stuff that makes you go, “Oooh, nice place!”

Well, that’s what I’d always say.

But hold on, it gets worse – places that serve free breakfast may not be doing that much longer, either. Or, you’ll find less variety (farewell, sausage links).

This saddens me. Oh, not that I’ll notice. I don’t think Motel 6 is real big on a lot of this stuff anyway.

Andy,

Read your recent column in the Albany Times Union. Love that second line: “Travel is still so expensive that I think people ought to stay home.”

Andy – travel is not expensive; it’s cheaper than it’s been in years. Seriously – (plug alert) if you need proof, go to FareCompare and see for yourself.

Now, let’s look at your third paragraph where you write: “Is everything done around your house? If you don’t like it, sell it, otherwise stick around on vacation and take your pleasure doing the things that need to be done.”

Andy, Andy – you sound like my mother. First of all, according to Webster’s, the word vacation is from the Latin “vacatio”, meaning “being free from a duty or service”. In other words, IT MEANS YOU’RE ON VACATION AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORK AROUND THE HOUSE. Sorry to be so loud, but c’mon.

One last thing – you gave another reason for not traveling that was almost a throwaway line, to wit: “Many hotels still have the shower in the bathtub, which I dislike…”

Andy, Andy, ANDY! Boy, the rich are different. Don’t you know that fancy bathrooms with separate tub and shower facilities are, uh, not found in most American homes — let alone, hotels? Yeah, regular folks have showers in tubs – those lucky enough to have tubs at all.

Andy, write us. Call us. We’ll get you a good deal. And a bangin’ bathroom, too.

Love,

Your Pals at Standard Upright Position

(Once again, thanks, Gadling)

Got a story to share about a hell flight? Goodness knows we’ve told our share (remember the “Something about Mary” tale?)

Or maybe you just like to read hellish flight stories.

If so, Flights from Hell is the website for you. Entertaining and informative! And no, I own no stock in this venture. I just know a good read when I see it.

It’s almost as good as Etiquette Hell, but that’s another post.

Unfortunately, some folks broke this golden rule on Northwest Flt 51 from Frankfurt to Detroit on March 10 – and now, the government’s after them!

Well, government in the form of the Centers for Disease Control – because one of the passengers on the flight had tuberculosis – TB.

The CDC is looking for 17 people seated near the Typhoid Mary (Tuberculosis Tom?). And why, you may ask, is the CDC (literally) making a federal case of this? Cuz these 17 are at risk of infection – though the CDC says, that risk is “low”.

Well, that’s perfectly clear!

But if I was on that plane, I think I’d give them a call. And try to remember my seat number.

Michael J. Totten is a journalist who’s seen it all -bombings, battles, and bloodshed of all kinds. And then there was this adventure: coming face-to-face with The Worst Airline in The World:

Alitalia.

Well, that’s what he calls Italian carrier.

Anyway, it all started in Rome – with a two hour layover – that lasted more than a week. There was a baggage strike – there were cursing Alitalia employees (and plenty of cursing passengers) – there were liars and cheats everywhere. And one dead cat.

You have to read it. Then we need a movie version. Hey, Spielberg, you listening?

You decide:

According to an anonymous tipster, Sen. David Vitter (R-Louisiana) either “freaked out” or “went ballistic” on an airline employee after he arrived at Dulles too late to make his flight.

Vitter, however, calls that description “silly” – and claims he merely had “a conversation” with an airline employee.

To an extent, I can feel his pain, because he arrived 20 minutes ahead of the departure time, but the door was already shut. However – he allegedly also played the “Do You Know Who I Am?” card, and I’m real sick of that one.

Oh, by the way: if the name Vitter sounds familiar, it’s because his phone numbers were found in the records of the late “D.C. Madam” awhile back – and perhaps some will recall his confession to a “serious sin”. Gawker has some additional details. Do they ever.

You know that poor woman who went nuts after missing her Cathay Pacific flight the other day? And how so many websites got a cheap laugh out of her distress [see our post with video here].

Now Cathay Pacific is apologizing to her – and have said they’ve “disciplined” the airline employee who took the video. It’s not clear, though, who actually posted it.

The unidentified woman has apparently not sought compensation from the airline, but Cathay Pacific has graciously “offered to upgrade her seats on her next trip and reimburse her for frequent flyer miles she used for upgrades on recent journeys” – that’s according to the AP.

If I were in her shoes, I can assure you I’d be throwing another fit if all I was offered was upgrades and miles. Just sayin’, Mrs. Screamer. Just sayin’.