Remember the poor fellow who “ate something bad” and had to use the airline lavatory only it was blocked by a drink cart? So he ran to business class, but was stopped by a flight attendant who then claimed the man twisted her arm?

Well, basically federal prosecutors dropped the case – if he completes a three-month diversion program. Plus the man “had to acknowledge he did not handle the situation as well as he should have.”

My questions: Diversion program? Diversion from what? Makes you wonder if they’ll send him to bladder control school or something.

And don’t forget, this fellow already spent two nights in jail. I think he’s paid his debt to society, huh?

So this man claims he ate something “bad” and had to use the bathroom. Like, immediately. But a cart is blocking his way to the coach lavatories.

This, btw, is on a Delta flight last month – from Honduras to Atlanta.

Anyway, he asks if he can use the bathroom in business class. No. So he waits…and waits…but as we all know, a watched cart never comes to a boil, or moves, or something. He can’t get by.

At this point, our Hero is so desperate – that he runs to business class. He says a flight attendant put out her arm to block his way, and he grabbed it so he wouldn’t fall. The flight attendant says, he grabbed her arm – and twisted it. Ow.

According to the AP, the guy was arrested upon arrival and spent 2 days in jail (seems kind of harsh, no?). What the story doesn’t tell us is whether or not he actually got inside the business class lavatory, but we will assume – mission accomplished.

Got a story to share about a hell flight? Goodness knows we’ve told our share (remember the “Something about Mary” tale?)

Or maybe you just like to read hellish flight stories.

If so, Flights from Hell is the website for you. Entertaining and informative! And no, I own no stock in this venture. I just know a good read when I see it.

It’s almost as good as Etiquette Hell, but that’s another post.

Always wanted to use “fracas” in a sentence…

The scene: Saturday night – Southwest flight 1402 from Phoenix to Detroit.

The situation: A witness said a 60-somethingish female passenger was waiting in line to use the lavatory when a man “apparently bumped into her”. Doesn’t sound like much, but it was enough to unravel this woman. As a Detroit TV station reported, “She accused him of trying to touch her and she just started slapping him in the face, going crazy on him.” Apparently she also fought with the crew – who decided to make an emergency landing.

The resolution: Lavatory lady was dropped off in Denver, where presumably she continued on to another restroom. That is, if the cops allowed it.

Oddly enough, there is no mention of alcohol in any of the scoops about this dust-up.

Authorities in Dubai, that glitzy town in the United Arab Emirates, are cracking down on sexy tourists - yes, Aunt Ethel and Uncle Fred, I’m talking to you.

No more PDA’s – public displays of affection. And, don’t wear short-shorts or tight t-shirts or make-out in public. Or more.

It probably all began when those Brits were convicted of having sex on the beach – a definite no-no in this conservative region. So, the head-honchos of Dubai came out with “do’s and don’ts” that may or may not become law.

You’ll be fine if you use your common sense, but gosh, so many don’t. In case you need it spelled out for you: no mini-skirts, don’t swear in public, don’t get drunk and disorderly and don’t be a jerk.

Oh, and no sex on the beach, either.

You decide:

According to an anonymous tipster, Sen. David Vitter (R-Louisiana) either “freaked out” or “went ballistic” on an airline employee after he arrived at Dulles too late to make his flight.

Vitter, however, calls that description “silly” – and claims he merely had “a conversation” with an airline employee.

To an extent, I can feel his pain, because he arrived 20 minutes ahead of the departure time, but the door was already shut. However – he allegedly also played the “Do You Know Who I Am?” card, and I’m real sick of that one.

Oh, by the way: if the name Vitter sounds familiar, it’s because his phone numbers were found in the records of the late “D.C. Madam” awhile back – and perhaps some will recall his confession to a “serious sin”. Gawker has some additional details. Do they ever.

An official who works in India’s “food and civil supplies department” arrived too late to board his Kingfisher Airlines flight from Patna to Kolkata.

How does he handle the disappointment? According to the India Times, he simply found the airport manager, and – beat him up.

The politician denied this, even though he beat the guy up (allegedly, allegedly) in a lounge filled with witnesses.

Apparently, Indian journalists are used to these kinds of stories, and they don’t like them – this latest report began thusly: “In yet another instance of arrogance of power tempting politicians to bend rules and resort to high-handedness…”

You’re probably sick to death of hearing about how in-flight Wifi internet access is going to flood planes with porn and how this group and that group are calling on airlines to add “anti-porn” filters to their aircraft and blah and blah and blah, but…

But…you haven’t heard everything ’til you’ve heard from Standard Upright Position. So here’s where we stand:

Use your common sense. Don’t have any? Then follow these 3 simple rules:

1.) Don’t watch porn if you’re sitting next to my kid.
2.) Really don’t watch porn if you’re sitting next to my mother.
3.) Don’t watch porn without a plot. Hey, I think I’ve just eliminated the problem…

Okay, Hyatt has “partnered” with Anna Post, the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette expert Emily Post, to teach you lugs some manners.

Anna seems like a nice woman, very polite and all, but I do have a couple of questions:

• 1. When did “partner” become a verb? And why?
• 2. What’s the point of learning manners from Anna when we still have Emily?

Oh, not in the flesh — the lady died 48 years ago. But she lives on in her “Etiquette” books. Get one, and read it. Try for an original at an old bookshop – I like the 1945 Funk & Wagnalls edition.

No, it doesn’t say anything specifically about cell phone use in polite society, but do you really need a book for that? Just remember what Mom used to say about doing unto others and you’ll be okay. Common sense, folks. And when it comes to everything else, trust me – everything you need to know about etiquette — and life — is contained in this volume. Everything.

Are you a sinner? You are, according to my boss, if you remove your shoes and socks on a plane and have the bathing habits of a crazed wolverine.

Don’t believe me? Check out his column for ABCNews.com.

Oh, and be sure and read about “Snuggle Bunny” and “Bean Burrito” and “Bin-man” and all the other guys that make flying such a pleasure these days.

Wait, did I mention the “Texting Twit”?

“Lavatory Lizard”?

“Yellular”?