Vanity Fair’s latest issue (November 2007) has an amusing little column called “The New V.F. Guide to Jetiquette” and if we ever hope to be invited on some mogul’s personal flying machine, we’d best take note. Among the commandments:

“Honor the ‘Wheels Up’ Departure Time: The departure time is sacrosanct. It’s not a cocktail party, so don’t even think of arriving fashionably late or you’ll be left waving your arms on the tarmac as the host’s Hawker roars down the runway. NOTE: A-list actors are exempt from this rule.”

The article also suggests possible “Thank You” gifts for the host, including an Asprey purple-leather travel backgammon set (only $1,750). But, if you’re a peasant like me, you’ll just take that money, buy a cheap air fare, and have a chunk of change left over. Yes, I AM too boring for words.

In my earlier incarnation as a TVNoozReporter, I covered a lot of plane crashes (I also covered a lot of O.J. Simpson, but that’s another blog).

Anyway, for years now, as a result of being present at so many grisly scenes, I count rows. You know, you board the plane, take a seat, and count the rows to the nearest exit. The exit ahead of you, and the exit behind you. I also study that card in the seat pocket, so I can figure out how to open the various doors on an aircraft. Yes, I AM boring, but somebody’s gotta pay attention.

Notice how many of your fellow passengers are yakking away, or snoozing while the flight attendant drones through the safety routine? Well, a friend of mine was being Mr. Chatterbox during one of these performances and the flight attendant stopped, snarled, and loudly ordered him to pay attention. It worked; he’s been paying attention ever since.

But in case you haven’t, try to sit near me.

Yes, we KNOW there aren’t enough armests, but no, you dont fight for them; its first come, first served! Well, kinda. There actually are etiquette rules to follow in the wonderful world of air travel, just as there are etiquette rules to follow at orgies; it sort of boils down to a do unto others in both instances. But this whole etiquette deal can get complicated, and it strikes me that American fliers are crying out for a leader in this area.

Sure theres some advice out there and some of its pretty good, but nothing addresses ALL our etiquette questions are concerns, sowhod like to see a weekly air travel advice column? Is that a yes? A YES??? I thought so. Maybe well do this once a week.

Send your questions to anne@farecompare.com. Questions can be serious or stupid; as far as Im concerned, the thirst for knowledge knows no IQ.

Who made me an expert? I did. Plus, Ive read my mothers 1938 edition of Emily Post many, many times.