In the water, he makes like a fish. On land, he makes like a lot of money, especially with all his commercial deals.

And you can see one of Michael Phelps’ ads on the site of that veritable Renaissance man, Perez Hilton — if you just click here.

This particular commercial is for Citation Shares, a division of Cessna – which offers “fractional jet ownership”. You see Phelps boarding the snazzy plane with all his medals on, but it’s no problem! He’s on a private jet and doesn’t have to go through the hassles of metal detectors and security stuff. Get it?

Not bad, actually.

This is the last in a series of reports on my friend – a sportswriter for a Very Important Paper – who has been in Beijing covering the Olympics. Read about her long flight to China, how the Chinese deal with water bottles at security, her adventures with exotic cuisine and her taste in TV shows.

My pal says, you better have some good sneakers on, if you’re going to see the Great Wall of China, and that’s because all the stones on the “floor” of the wall stick up all over the place – making for a rocky romp, but the view, she says, is worth it – an incredible vista.

Note: get there before 9am if you can — otherwise, it is mobbed by locals.

Her Continental flight from Beijing to the U.S. was delayed a couple of hours; so our sports writer took the time to ingratiate herself with some flight attendants, offering them Olympic pins with her Very Important Paper’s logo on them, which were happily accepted. “Don’t worry, hon, I’m gonna take care of you!” said one of the grinning hostesses, and indeed she did – providing my pal with free drinks of an unspecified but alcoholic nature.

That made the trip go a little more smoothly. However, our scribe was most distressed to note that the video screen on her seatback was broken. And alas, there was not a single empty seat to move to.

And so, she read and dozed – dreaming of all those Mary Tyler Moore re-runs she was missing out on…and no doubt pondering that question for the ages: exactly how old are those Chinese gymnasts, anyway??

This is the latest in a series of reports on my friend – a sportswriter for a Very Important Paper – who is now in Beijing covering the Olympics. Read about her long flight to China, how the Chinese deal with water bottles at security, and her adventures with exotic cuisine.

Haven’t written about my pal lately — apparently she’s been busy, busy, busy, writing about some guy who’s speedo-ing his way into the record books.

All I can say is, you may have more medals, Mr. Phelps — but you’ll never have a mustache as cool as Mark Spitz’s.

So anyway, my friend had some down time — and what does she do? Why, she goes to the Great Wall, of course. How was it? Well it was great, of course.

You ask — why the Great Wall? Well, it’s a “tourist must” and this sports-writing scribe is a bit of a traditionalist. After all, consider what she watched on her Continental flight to Beijing: ESPN? No. CNN? No. Discovery? No. Mary Tyler Moore re-runs? Ding-ding-ding, we have a winner.

This is the latest in a series of reports on my friend – a sportswriter for a Very Important Paper – who is now in Beijing covering the Olympics. Read about her long flight to China, and how the Chinese deal with water bottles at security.

My pal isn’t the only one covering the Olympics for her Very Important Newspaper, and one night all the colleagues decided to get together for dinner.

So where did they decide to go? A Chinese restaurant (you may have seen that one coming).

Anyway, as you may have heard, real Chinese food is a bit different from the take-out variety, but by all accounts, the meal was very good, and my friend enjoyed her chicken.

Except…except…the plate was garnished with the chicken’s head.

Pal was not completely delighted with this decorative touch. However, one of her colleagues had a different take:

“Personally, I thought the chicken had a proud look on his face, knowing he had served this great news organization from across the sea.” — Writer for Very Important Newspaper

Reminds me of the time I attended a family meal at a splendid lodge in Wyoming, and one of the youngsters in the party — upon being served a whole trout — spent most of the meal practicing ventriloquism with Mr. Fish’s head.

This is the latest in a series of reports on my friend — a sportswriter for a Very Important Paper — who is now in Beijing covering the Olympics. See Part I here.

My pal says, the Chinese security folks seem to be taking a tip from the “olden days” when every monarch worth his crown had an official “food taster.”

Here’s what I mean: at all the security check-points at the various Olympic venues, you can take a bottle of water through security, if you do one simple thing:

Take a swig.

Yes, you must taste it, sip it, swallow it — in the presence of security.

Hmmm. Wonder how that would work going through TSA lines? I’d do it.

A friend of mine is a sports reporter for a Very Important Newspaper — and she’s in China to cover the Olympics, that lucky duck.

Anyway, getting there is not half the fun. Not on a 13 hour flight.

Here’s what happened: she boarded a Continental jet in Newark, got as comfy as she could, and while waiting for the flight to take off for Beijing, she — fell asleep. She woke up something like 2-and-a-half, 3 hours later, and thought, “This is just great! Why, I’ve already knocked out a good chunk of this boring flight!”

Not so fast, pal. Just at that moment, the pilot’s voice came booming over the speakers, asking everyone to please sit down because he was pretty sure they’d be taking off soon. Oh, my.

Anyway, when they fiiiiiiinally landed, she breezed through all the lines, and upon emerging from customs, her first sight of this exotic, mysterious land was — a Starbucks.

Well, that’s one Starbucks they didn’t close, anyway.

What should you worry about if you’re headed to China this month? Other than a numb behind from sitting on a plane for 14-hours?

Well, according to a report from Emory University and the CDC, here’s some handy do’s and don’ts:

DON’T worry about exotic diseases.

DO worry about respiratory illnesses (all that smog), and…

DO worry about dog bites. In 2006, nearly 3,300 died from rabies in China.

So don’t pet stray doggies. Limit yourself to ordering them at your neighborhood bistro. Oh, wait — never mind — during the Olympics, Sparky is off the menu.

Good boy!