I’m not one to judge you for having a couple of drinks on the plane, but if you get drunk and belligerent, you should know that you will end up paying for it. A drunken passenger who caused an American Airlines flight departing Seattle and destined for Miami to divert to Denver. It seems he was insulted a flight attendant suggested he should stop pounding the Vodka. The passenger hurled obscenities and allegedly “grabbed the buttocks of a female passenger.” Keep reading for all the sordid details…

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I try to give the French the benefit of the doubt. I really do. Theirs is a beautiful country, and the fact that I can say “I’m going to the mountains with my cousins after dinner” in French has served me well over the years. Of course, sometimes one rotten pomme can spoil the whole barrel…

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Anne: “You see this? A travel agency in Germany is offering a nude flight to a nudist colony.” Mike: “Nude flight? For real?” Anne: “That’s what it says on Reuters.” Mike: “Makes it easy at the security checkpoints. The strip searches won’t take as long.” Anne: “No, they can’t take off their clothes ’til they get on the plane. And they have to put ‘em back on when they land.” Mike: “Not sure I like the idea of naked pilots.” Anne: “No, it says pilots have to wear clothes, for ’safety reasons’. Interesting mental picture.” Mike: “You said these were Germans?” The conversation continues. Click “more” for the dramatic finale.

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You all know Kate Hanni, crusader for passenger rights, stuck on the tarmac for blah blah blah… Don’t get me wrong, she’s doing the right thing. She’s been yakkin’ about this, and lo! New York passed a Passenger Rights Bill. Now 6-other states have intro’d similar bills (Washington, Indiana, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island and Michigan). But an airline exec (Alaska) testified that this will mean a “patchwork quilt” of laws, and impossible to comply with…

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What would you do if you saw one of the engines of the plane you were on plummet through the sky towards the ground below? Perhaps you would turn to a fellow passenger to see if you were imagining things:

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So, you shelled out some serious cash for one of Singapore Airline’s Airbus A380 bedroom suites. You went the extra step and got one with the double bed, even. Oh yeah, you’re a romantic. You’ll wait for the gourmet meal and the champagne, and then, shall we say, the magic will happen. Get your head out of the gutter! Singapore Air doesn’t approve of that sort of thing. In fact, they have asked their passengers not to join the mile high club aboard their Airbus A380s (or any other of their planes for that matter):

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Not to worry! The psycho (or anyone else) won’t be able to open the door in midflight. How do we know? Cuz so many have tried. And failed.

And then there’s the little matter of the shape of an airplane door, and the pressurization, and…well the bottom line is, on a modern, commercial jetliner, you can’t open those doors. Not while the plane’s in the air. So sit back, and relax. Your psycho’s not going anywhere.

Last week, we covered a story in which a passenger was arrested for an altercation that arose between he and a flight attendant after said attendant asked him to turn off his iPod. Well, those pesky Apple products are at it again. This time the culprit is the ever-popular iPhone.

An ATA passenger switched the iPhone to “Airplane Mode,” basically disabling any cell phone, bluetooth, or WiFi aspects of the device. The passenger proceeded to watch Jennifer Love Hewitt try desperately to escape a hook-handed killer in I Know What You Did Last Summer. The flight attendant, either not accepting the whole “airplane mode” theory or disagreeing with the turn Western cinema has taken over the last decade, told the passenger to turn the iPhone off. From there, things got ugly, and according to Consumerist, eventually led the flight attendant to remark, “You have to do anything I say, I am going to have you arrested…” When the plane landed, the passenger was detained, but no charges were brought.

OK, so the flight attendant couldn’t tell the passenger which FAA rules were being broken, and the passenger couldn’t make the case to keep the movie on. I can see both sides of the thing. This new- fangled technology might throw some airline employees off. For my part, I think the problem goes beyond iPods and iPhones. In the days of overcrowded planes, overworked employees, and frustrated travelers, a simple issue like whether someone should get to watch a mediocre horror movie while onboard a plane warrants police action. Perhaps, everybody just needs to calm down a bit. I know the work of Jennifer Love Hewitt always does the trick for me.

Most of us don’t really believe that our electronic devices have any effect on what a plane can or can’t do. In fact, there are air travel studies that have shown electronic devices don’t do anything at all to planes. However, that doesn’t mean you need to go crazy when the flight attendants ask you to turn off your iPod during your descent. It’s their job, and it’s the law, so just deal with the fact that your Creedence will have to wait ’til you’re in the car.

If you don’t, you might just end up in jail:

“James D. Elston became belligerent when asked to turn off his iPod as Northwest Airlines Flight 1108 was beginning its descent into Southwest Florida Regional Airport on Monday, a sheriffs arrest report said…He was arrested for breach of peace disorderly conduct, the sheriff’s booking report shows.” (From Florida Today)

I know it’s hard to sit on a plane for 20 minutes without your personal theme music, but you can spend the time cursing 12-Across on the in-flight crossword or just pricing an animatronic Elvis.

If you’re fond of bringing remote control toys onboard airplanes, things might get a little more complicated for you. While you can still carry those RC cars and ‘copters on, the TSA might put you through increased security, patting you down in the process.

As reported by USA Today: “Intelligence and law enforcement have developed information that terrorists are interested in using remote-controlled toy vehicles as part of their tactics,” TSA chief Kip Hawley said in an interview. “There were some dots that came together.”

My advice: If you’re checking bags, put the remote control vehicle or robot in the suitcase. If that’s not an option, give yourself some extra time to make it through the security line. This includes children, too. The new security policy applies to travelers of all ages.

This summer’s airline delays, cancellations, and tarmac strandings made it onto the 19th season premiere of The Simpsons last night. Titled, “He Loves To Fly And He D’ohs,” the episode sees Homer plagued with the all-too-common hassles of commercial air travel. However, in a stroke of luck, he gets to leave coach behind and jet off to the Windy City aboard Mr. Burns’ private jet. The jet comes complete with an attractive flight attendant, sushi, and Lionel Ritchie. The flight is so good, that Homer can’t bear to deplane. Upon his return home, he dedicates himself to finding a job that will allow him to fly only on private jets, and with the help of a lifecoach (played by Virgin America superstar, Steven Colbert), he comes close.

If an animated private jet can make me long for luxury travel, what could a real private jet do? To find out, I checked out Forbes’ Priciest Private Planes. It gives you a chance to see how the real life Mr. Burnses live (I’m sure not all of them are evil). After reading the article and looking at the photos, I am convinced that the only way I can truly write about commercial flying is to give it up and fly only on private jets. I haven’t heard back from my boss on it yet, but I’m pretty sure he’ll see where I’m coming from.

There’s a great post on gridskipper highlighting a protest by passenger rights activists that took place in DC. With Congress starting to consider considering a move on a Passengers’ Bill of Rights, people wanted legislators to see up close just how bad things could get on the tarmac. A recording of a wailing baby and general seating discomfort highlighted the demonstration.

New York has tried to enact their own bill for air passengers and the EU has policies in place that attempt to make the airlines take some responsibility for flight delays and cancellations, but neither have had the effect travelers hoped for. Congress’ actions could put an end to those seemingly endless stays on the tarmac in which passengers are stranded, unable to get off the plane, and often left without food or drink. However, we’re still a long way away from anything resembling a true Passengers Bill of Rights.

For those of us who have grown to love Southwest Airline’s first-come/first-serve open seating ways, things almost turned ugly today. Southwest had been considering doing away with open seating in favor of a more traditional seating policy.

I have to admit, I was a little bummed when I heard things might go the other way, but my fellow Standard Uprighter, Anne, told me she was always annoyed by how you had to sit on the floor and stake your claim if you wanted a decent seat (even if you were in Group A or B). Well, Southwest has found a solution that pleases us both. They are maintaining an open seating policy, but there’s no more sitting on the ground or slyly using your laptop to hold your place in line . The Group structure is still in place, but now you will get a number (a place in line, if you will) to go along with it:

Starting in early November, customers of Southwest Airlines Co. will be assigned a letter-number combination on their boarding passes, which will reserve their spot in their boarding group. According to a Southwest statement, ‘when a gate agent calls a boarding group, passengers will take their place in their numerical order.’ (From MSNBC)

Part of me will miss the “free-for-all” that was boarding a Southwest plane in the past, but this seems like a move that will keep both SW die-hards and airline traditionalists happy…at least for a little while anyway.

Ever since the TSA set forth their policy regarding liquids on planes (the 3-1-1 rule, if you like), travelers have been annoyed, and questions have surrounded the whole affair. Is the rule arbitrary? What are the reasons for it? Is the TSA in cahoots with the makers of tiny bottles? Why on Earth do I have to pour shampoo from one bottle into another like I’m “marrying” ketchups back at that horrible restaurant I worked in during college?

All important questions.

As an intrepid reporter, I wanted to find the answers, so I went to the only place I thought could give them to me: Bed Bath & Beyond. OK, so maybe Bed Bath & Beyond couldn’t tell me if there was a vast conspiracy involving the TSA, our deficit with the Chinese, and makers of fine shampoos, but the retailer has just made it easier for travelers to meet TSA regulations. In a stroke of marketing genius, they’re offering a package that contains 15 bottles of assorted shapes (all meeting the 3 oz. requirement) for your shampoo, conditioner, hairspray, gel, perfume, etc. The package even comes in a handy 1 qt. zip-top bag, which also meets the TSA’s requirements.

But that’s not all. One of the managers at my local Bed Bath & Beyond was kind enough to show me an entire section of products that the store has recently labeled as ‘approved for travel.’ And that’s not some sort of metaphorical label, you’ll see an ‘approved for travel’ sign right there on the bin. They have most everything you would ever need for travel purposes right there in the tiny little containers. Many of the products are available for $.99 to $5.00. Hmmm, maybe somebody is in cahoots with the TSA, after all. Were the sellers of fragrant conditioners and lime green trashcans in on all of this? I had to dig deeper.

Unfortunately, I left BBB knowing little more about the reasons behind rule 3-1-1 than when I walked in. But I did get some travel bottles and a lovely throw pillow for the couch. Luckily, those young upstarts over at the New York Times were working on the story, as well, and Joe Sharkey wrote a great article that points out that the rule isn’t as arbitrary as we all might think:

“Tests showed that a container of a certain size is needed for an effective explosion. Separate three-ounce containers limited in number to what will fit inside a single one-quart bag do not have ‘enough critical diameter’ to blow up an aircraft…”

OK. So the science is there to back the rule up, and the stores are there to make it easy for us to meet the regulations. Maybe we can all stop complaining about it now. Or at least let the conspiracy theories go.

Thought you had seen the last of dress codes when you flipped that tassel at your high school graduation? Well, you might not be out of the woods yet. As reported by the San Diego Union-Tribune, A 23 year-old woman, Kyla Ebbert (featured above), was very nearly kept from boarding a Southwest Airlines flight because her outfit (also featured above) was just too darn provocative. Here’s how Ms. Ebbert recalls her conversation with a Southwest customer service supervisor:

“I asked him what part of my outfit was offensive…The shirt? The skirt? And he said, ‘The whole thing.’”

The supervisor asked her to change (she had no extra clothes) or go home to get a new outfit and take a later flight. Ebbert, who was flying into the triple-digit temperatures of Tuscon, refused and was eventually allowed on board, but not after she underwent some stern lecturing and an embarrassing walk down the aisle.

Now, I am no fashionista, but I’m pretty sure Ms. Ebbert’s outfit isn’t challenging our notions of taste or decency or anything like that. According to Southwest, they don’t have a dress code, but they do retain the right to keep anyone from boarding a flight if they feel the passenger’s clothing is lewd or obscene.

I suppose “lewd” and “obscene” are subjective terms. I also suppose the customer service rep who hassled her has some innate fear of miniskirts…or legs…or 23 year-olds.

Love me some Craigs List: for jobs, lost & found, those all important “missed connections”, AND for travel advice.

The advice is often excellent, nuanced and insightful; but what I like best are those areas of the forum that read like stand-up comedy. Okay, maybe high school stand-up comedy but it cracks me up every time (at least, the LA version does, but I suspect NY, Chicago and other cities have just as many pithy posters). A recent highlight was a discussion on the merits of New York City that degenerated into a virtual smackdown (the term “moron” got a real good workout).

Among my favorite Q & As:

Q: Need info about NM and AZ!
A: Sure, they’re two states between CA and TX!
Q: Tell me about passport expeditors!
A: There are also palm readers, about as useful.
Q: How to know if on No Fly list?
A: Do you have a terrorist cell or something?
Q: Where is the best city/country to get pregnant?
A: How stupid can you be?

Besides the above, the site has great information. And, you’ll never be bored.