This is sad.

A fellow had a ticket to fly Southwest for his uncle’s funeral.

Fellow weighs 400 pounds. He said he could fit in the seat, that he flies “all the time” and said he’d even sit with his arms crossed over his chest to avoid bothering anyone.

Southwest said no, that he was just too big, and said he’d have to buy a second seat. The guy says, fine. Problem: there is no second seat. The flight is booked. Man misses funeral.

A lot of flights are booked solid these days, particularly during holiday periods. Here’s what the man should have done, according to Southwest’s “guidelines for customers of size“: he should have pro-actively booked two seats in advance. Guess he’ll know next time.

The guy says Southwest is giving him a refund. Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, I guess.

A passenger on a domestic Vietnam Airlines flight said he had $11,192 in his carryon, which he stowed in an overhead bin. Big mistake – I’d put it on my person or cradle that bag in my arms.

Sure enough, when the plane landed in Dong Hoi, he looked for the money, but it had disappeared.

Happy ending, though – flight attendants searched for the money as the plane continued onto another destination, and found it stashed under a seat (not the one the guy had been sitting in). The money was returned in full to its rightful owner.

Three flight attendants – presumably not the ones that discovered the hidden cash – have since been suspended, and an investigation is continuing.

True, airline fees have gone up and nobody’s giving away those cans of Pringles, but still –$11 thousand dollars?? You were kind of asking for it, buddy…

Gotta love this all-forgiving reporter from the New York Times – he sits next to a man who insults him, repeatedly stomps on his feet, snores loudly, and – the coup de grace – he grabs a flight attendant and knocks her to the floor. And yet our reporter winds up calling him, “one of the nicest guys I ever met.”

Apparently, the foot stomper suffered from an intense fear of flying, and was going to the flight attendant for help when he keeled over on her, and had to be revived with “smelling salts” (who knew that stuff actually existed?).

BTW, he was allowed to continue the flight.

Now, if this was you or me – we would have been booted off, pronto. Very strange…

No, Plant fans, it’s not what you think – we are saying happy birthday to the zeppelin aircraft – you know, the blimp.

And the reason is, it carried the first paying passengers in the air back in 1909 so it officially gets credit for being the first air travel conveyance – plus, because it is now 2009, that means all this happened 100 years ago which is a nice, round anniversary-type number – so you, dear readers, get a post out of it.

By the way, this was not cheap travel: a jaunt from Duesseldorf to Lucerne set one back about $1,860 in today’s dollars, but that wouldn’t have been a problem for that lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold.

Maybe you saw this: Guy Laliberte, the rich fellow who founded (and owns most of) Cirque de Soleil, went into space to Wednesday aboard a Russian Soyuz capsule.

Cost of his ticket: $35 million.

Fortunately for Mr. Laliberte, he is worth about $2.5 billion. Boy, those flexible folks who make the cirque soar can really pull it in, can’t they?

Now, where’s my check book?

Just read a killer article by Brendan Ross for Wired.

For those that don’t know, Brian is on assignment for Wired, flying all over on his JetBlue “All You Can Jet” pass and blogging about it. He seems to be having a pretty good time – or was.

Then sat next to “Shauna”.

Clearly, Shauna (fake name) was full of surprises. One of the first things she did was, inquire if Brendan was allegoric to dogs, as she proceeded to pull a pop-eyed little mutt out of her purse.

Then she insisted that Brendan entertain her for the whole trip (the TV wasn’t working); she also announced her bathroom visits to one and all (“I have to PEE!”); she also discussed her former career as a Hooters waitress.

My only objection to the article is that Brendan never asked me if I required an alias.

Saw this on Channel 2 out of Chicago…

A 6 foot, 350 pound man is not happy with Southwest Airlines. Apparently the airline allowed Emery Orto to fly from Midway to Las Vegas, no problem, but stopped him as he was boarding the flight home and asked, “Can you put the armrests down when seated?”

He said he could, but Southwest ultimately grounded him anyway. Orto called this “humiliating” (but apparently it was not so humiliating that he passed up a chance to go on TV).

His main complaint: Southwest never “tested” him on the “putting-the-armrests-down” trick, but there’s more to the “passenger of size” rule at Southwest and other airlines – a policy that’s been around for years. Orto seemed to suggest that he wasn’t familiar with it – and in his defense, he was allowed to fly to Las Vegas.

Southwest told Ch. 2 that was a “mistake”. But they also said, the real issue with Orto was “anger” – that he was arguing with an “elevated voice” in a belligerent tone, and that other passengers weren’t comfortable flying with Orto after watching him lose his temper.

Orto meanwhile is talking about his “pain and suffering” and we all know where that’s going. Meanwhile, maybe the airlines better just suck it up and come out with specific height/weight/size charts – and no more guessing games.

A 50 year old man from Anaheim, California was convicted last week of interfering with a flight crew. But the guy was very lucky — the federal jury deadlocked on the charge of assaulting a crew member.

The passenger in question was aboard a United flight from Hong Kong to LAX when he got “unruly” (love that word). According an LA Times report, prosecutors said the man “had been drinking and was so belligerent and verbally abusive that crew members, a passenger and [an] off-duty pilot restrained his hands with plastic handcuffs.”

Which didn’t prevent him from punching the off-duty pilot in the neck when the pilot tried put his hand on the guy’s shoulder to try and keep the raging fellow in his seat. That’s when he was duct taped to his seat. When he started chewing his way out of the duct tape, they brought out metal handcuffs which did the trick.

He could face 20 years, but prosecutors say he’ll likely get less time — sentencing is in the fall.

Don’t drink and fly.

It starts off like a real hoo-hah – a passenger onboard a US Airways flight from Charlotte to Los Angeles- a 50 year old man from the Bronx – decides to take his clothes off. Every stitch.

This is where one would normally make a reference to Air New Zealand’s TV ad featuring crew members wearing nothing more than a coat of paint.

However…it seems pretty clear this guy was mentally ill. He later told the FBI in Albuquerque (where the plane diverted because the fellow would not put his clothes back on) that he hadn’t taken his medication, and he had no memory of anything he’d done on the flight.

Something else to consider: before the flight took off from Charlotte, a “flight service supervisor” with US Airways saw this man “dancing in a crowded boarding area” but determined he had not been drinking, ergo he was good to go on the flight.

I realize flight crews/gate agents are not trained psychologists, but I might dig a little deeper if I saw some poor guy dancing (and presumably making a spectacle of himself) in public. Should he have flown? Clearly not. But who was watching out for this guy? No one.

Well, would you be happy?

As Gadling tells it, 70 passengers “refused to board their Thomas Cook plane in Mallorca, Spain this week because the airline had asked them to all sit in the back of the plane.”

Essentially, they were to act as ballast – a counterweight, if you will, for all the luggage that was stacked up in the front of the cabin. Why was it stacked there? Because the workers on the ground couldn’t get the rear cargo door open. I guess they lost the manual.

I suppose I would have been disturbed, too – but these folks then paid hundreds of dollars to fly other airlines home. Now that would have given me pause.

You may recall that after the September 11^th terror attacks, the TSA ordered that the so-called “privacy curtain” that separates first or business class and steerage economy class be taken down. But now they’re coming back!

Well, it’s happening on American Airlines, anyway. According to the Chicago Tribune, this is because of requests from first class passengers – and they are delighted with their new draperies.

Same thing at United – actually that carrier started doing this a few years back, “in response to requests from our customers for additional privacy and comfort.” Gotta love the Trib’s response to that:

“It’s not clear to us how the curtains improve privacy or exactly what passengers in first class are doing on flights that calls for the need for privacy.” -Chicago Tribune, 6-17-09

Goodness! But personally I think the real reason for the curtains is, class warfare. First class vs. economy. However, if the first-classers want to pay 10 times what my ticket cost, I say let ‘em have curtains.

I saw this and thought, “What a good idea!” Then I saw the price tag. Well…

The product is called, Ekosteps – we’re talking disposable footwear – sort of a thong type of deal made from recycled paper. Picture thin-soled cardboard-ish flip flops. Or just look at the photo to the left.

Forget fashion, this is about function: Ekosteps are meant to protect your bare feet after you’ve put your shoes on the conveyor belt at security and now must make the trek through the metal detector in your socks, or worse, barefoot. Barefoot across a floor where oh so many other bare feet have already passed (ewwwwwww). Best of all, these are TSA approved!

These unisex Ekosteps are sold in packages of five pairs for $19.99 – and shipping will cost you another ten bucks. You can get more information from the Ekosteps website here.

Loved the piece about them in the Dallas Morning News – they noted that while these paper sandals are meant for one-time use, Ekosteps CEO Orin France said he’s worn a single pair “in daily activities for as long as two weeks.”

I want to know what “daily activities” means. Did he wear them to some swanky place for lunch? Was it raining?

Sort of a she-said, she-said deal here.

The scene: A JetBlue plane from New York to Seattle, last November.

The action: A 69 year old Seattle area woman said she is the victim of racism and anti-Muslim bias because she was not allowed to stretch out on a row of empty seats and take a snooze – as others were allowed to do.

The JetBlue flight attendant said she could not stay in her row of choice because it was an exit row and the woman was handicapped by limited English and physical limitations – but according to the Seattle Times report she was offered other empty rows to recline in. The passenger, a native of Pakistan, does not address this issue in the article.

More charges – the woman claims she was manhandled by crew members as she was escorted back to her assigned seat – and the flight attendant says the woman bruised her by grabbing her arm. The passenger also was said to be “unruly” and yelled and screamed at one point.

Bottom line: I suspect the language barrier was the real problem here. But – is that an excuse?

Information, as they say, is sketchy – but an American Airlines pilot did indeed fail a breath test at London’s Heathrow just before he was to pilot a plane to Chicago.

Apparently security staff as Heathrow noticed something amiss – alerted the police – and the unnamed pilot was tested. We are presuming this was for alcohol, but that is not known. The passengers had to cool their heels for awhile, as the airline had to hunt up a replacement.

I’d say it’s a good thing someone noticed something – the Chicago-bound flight carried 204 passengers – I can see the grim headlines now.

Stupid pilot. By drinking – or abusing another substance – you risked your career, your life, and the lives of so many others. Fortunately, you wound up only risking your career.

So tell us, pal- was it worth it?

This is kind of nice to report (well, the reporting was done by the New York Times, but you know what I mean): the survivors of that US Airways flight that landed in the Hudson in one piece, courtesy of Capt. Sully, are getting some of their their things back.

Now, of course, some of the stuff is pretty water-logged. And a lot of paper money appears to be missing, but – people are getting back some things that are in amazingly good shape, including clothes, laptops, jewelry, car keys and other stuff. I sure hope Capt. Sullenberger gets back that library book that he left on the plane.

The passengers are also getting an offer from the airline of $10,000 – if they promise not to sue. Some are not signing – at least for the moment.

What would you do?

Remember when boarding a plane was an occasion? When you didn’t have to worry about drunks onboard because flying was for the few – the elite?

Well, I remember, sonny, and it sure was nice!

Daniel L. Rust remembers too, and he’s got a big new book out that tells you all about those dear-dead-days called, “Flying Across America: The Airline Passenger Experience”. It got a good review from the Wall St. Journal so you might want to check it out.

Plus, it’s filled with cool vintage airline photos and ads – like the one you see at left.

Flying was nice then – plus, you didn’t have to worry about the lavatory running out of liquid soap because someone was busy drinking it.

A Queens, NY woman got into a bit of a scuffle aboard a JetBlue flight last summer.

It seems she lit up on the plane, even though nobody said the magic words, “Smoke if ya got ‘em.”

In fact, one cannot smoke on planes anymore, AS WE ALL KNOW. Ms. Queens however puffed away, and got angry when told to stop. In fact, she allegedly slugged a flight attendant.

Eventually, she’s hauled before a judge and receives a slap on the wrist – probation and a fine – plus orders to “seek out” anger management counseling. Alas, she was back in front of the judge again this week – for violating her probation – by allegedly assaulting her sister-in-law.

Now she’s being held without bail. Wonder who taught her anger management class? I’m thinking Wolverine…

Terrible, terrible story about a woman who was on a flight from Houston to McAllen, Texas on Saturday when the plane encountered severe turbulence – and the woman broke her neck.

Yes, the seatbelt sign was on – but she was in the restroom.

Two others were sent to the hospital – a crew member and a passenger – they were treated and released. The unidentified woman underwent six hours of surgery -it’s not known at this point if her paralysis will be permanent.

Two things: When you’re in your seat, always keep your seatbelt buckled. And stay in your seat. Seriously. Use the restroom before you board – use it after you land.

Look, we all trash the airline industry from time to time – especially when it comes to surly customer service – so when a woman writes in praise of a couple of airport employees, we should be happy, right?

Well…yes…and no. Here’s the story:

A woman flew WestJet last Saturday, from Orlando to Hamilton. She needed a wheelchair at the Florida airport and requested one. Wheelchair was there – and so were the wheelchair attendants who were apparently quite pleasant. Woman was delighted, and wrote a thank-you note.

“Too often we complain about poor service so this time I was determined to report excellent service and especially the friendliness and patience shown to me by your employees.” - WestJet passenger, 4-12-09

I’m having trouble getting excited here, but maybe you, too, are getting a sense “low expectations”.

I mean, it’s not like these attendants went “above and beyond” – they did not save the woman from a speeding baggage cart or reunite her with a lost puppy. What did they do? They got her to her gate.

They did their job.

C’mon – isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? I can hear Chris Rock now…

So this man claims he ate something “bad” and had to use the bathroom. Like, immediately. But a cart is blocking his way to the coach lavatories.

This, btw, is on a Delta flight last month – from Honduras to Atlanta.

Anyway, he asks if he can use the bathroom in business class. No. So he waits…and waits…but as we all know, a watched cart never comes to a boil, or moves, or something. He can’t get by.

At this point, our Hero is so desperate – that he runs to business class. He says a flight attendant put out her arm to block his way, and he grabbed it so he wouldn’t fall. The flight attendant says, he grabbed her arm – and twisted it. Ow.

According to the AP, the guy was arrested upon arrival and spent 2 days in jail (seems kind of harsh, no?). What the story doesn’t tell us is whether or not he actually got inside the business class lavatory, but we will assume – mission accomplished.

Great article by travel expert Christopher Elliott here – he warns, there are more and more trip insurance scams out there.

Elliott has some excellent tips. The bummer is, you have to do some work — a fair amount of research just to figure out if you are or aren’t being scammed. But it could save you thousands.

For example, is the policy you’re being sold “insurance” or “protection”? As Elliott points out, insurance is regulated by your state, while protection is not. And even if your trip insurance is legit, does it cover what you want it to? Beware those “existing medical condition” clauses.

Above all – don’t take anyone’s word for anything – read the policy yourself. Every word. And if you don’t understand it, give it to someone who does. Someone you trust.

Got a story to share about a hell flight? Goodness knows we’ve told our share (remember the “Something about Mary” tale?)

Or maybe you just like to read hellish flight stories.

If so, Flights from Hell is the website for you. Entertaining and informative! And no, I own no stock in this venture. I just know a good read when I see it.

It’s almost as good as Etiquette Hell, but that’s another post.

You would think a 60 year old fellow from England would know better.

The gentleman in question decided his Delta flight was idling on the tarmac at JFK just a wee bit too long and he was getting anxious to depart for Las Vegas, so – he decided to open one of the emergency exit doors.

The flight attendants however, felt this was a bad idea and stopped him.

The interesting question in my mind is, what did he think he would accomplish? Perhaps he thought if he jumped out and ran around to the front of the plane, he could signal the pilots to get a move on? But then – how to get back on the plane? I don’t think he thought this one out very carefully.

Anyway, at last report, he never did make it to Vegas – the cops arrested him and he is facing charges of reckless endangerment. He should have taken lessons from this guy – who did get the door open – and took off.

Always wanted to use “fracas” in a sentence…

The scene: Saturday night – Southwest flight 1402 from Phoenix to Detroit.

The situation: A witness said a 60-somethingish female passenger was waiting in line to use the lavatory when a man “apparently bumped into her”. Doesn’t sound like much, but it was enough to unravel this woman. As a Detroit TV station reported, “She accused him of trying to touch her and she just started slapping him in the face, going crazy on him.” Apparently she also fought with the crew – who decided to make an emergency landing.

The resolution: Lavatory lady was dropped off in Denver, where presumably she continued on to another restroom. That is, if the cops allowed it.

Oddly enough, there is no mention of alcohol in any of the scoops about this dust-up.

I know I’m going to take some flak for this, but – when perusing the latest “Hints from Heloise”, I came across this tip:

“Dear Heloise: My husband and I each wear something like the military DOG TAGS. We have our name, city, state, date of birth, blood type, spouse’s name and phone number on one side, and on the other side we have the names of our daughter and son and sister, with the states and phone numbers. We wear these when traveling on vacation – almost every time we leave the house.” – Bonnie, Irvine, Calif.

Heloise seemed to think it was a good idea (“Maybe we should call them ‘people tags’!”) – but my first thought was – with all the info she put on them, Bonnie’s dog tags must hang down to her knees.

My second thought was – kind of macabre, no? I mean it’s perfect if you anticipate disaster. On the other hand, you might as well. I guess.