You remember the “laptoppers” – those two Northwest pilots that flew to Wisconsin, when they should have stopped a little earlier, like say, at their scheduled destination in Minnesota? They said they were too busy on their laptops (an excuse that cost them their pilot’s licenses).

Anyway, there weren’t the only ones out to lunch – the head of the FAA says the air traffic controllers are supposed to notify NORAD, the military air defense command, when they’re out of radio contact for ten minutes. How long did they wait? One hour and 9 minutes.

Nope, nothing happened – this time. But as has been mentioned elsewhere (like everywhere), a whole lot changed back on that Tuesday morning in September, 8 years ago…so, guys, just do your jobs, okay? Because you never know…

I know the world is waiting on this one.

According to TMZ (and say what you like, they were right on Michael Jackson), Britney Spears seemed to sweep through security at LAX with an exceedingly large cup (Big Gulp?) that she put to her mouth again and again.

And as we all know, TSA rules say, bringing liquid thru security is a no-no.

Good news, though – TMZ updated their post to say Britney’s cup contained ice chips - so it was okay!

And indeed, on the video, she can in fact be seen crunching after taking a “swig”.

Goodness gracious, weren’t we just talking about the Snoopster and his penchant for airport hijinks?

Well, it’s happened again – at Beirut International. Seems, rapper Snoop Dogg was there, heading out after a concert in Lebanon, when he was stopped by security.

Mr. Dogg was wearing a necklace of old bullet casings – no, no, it’s not what you think – this is the latest thing from a company called Bullets 4 Peace, which sells artistic ammo pieces (like the one at left – price: $275). Some of the money is said to go to charity but I don’t know how much or to what charities (though the site does feature a logo for one of Madonna’s pet causes).

Anyway, hard to believe, but bullets are still no laughing matter in Lebanon, so there was a bit of an “issue” and the Doggalator’s necklace was confiscated.

Wonder why a guy with his airport history doesn’t just break down and get a private plane?

Whoa.

A Boston TV stations is reporting that the FBI has questioned two flight attendants (and maybe more) who were on an American Airlines flight yesterday – the flight where ?a “bomb threat” note was found in one of the aircraft’s lavatories.

Here’s the kicker: again, per Boston’s 7News, those same flight attendants (a man and a woman) were also questioned about a similar incident that occurred two weeks ago.

In both cases, nothing was found – but the incidents resulted in tedious delays for the passengers.

I’m kind of hoping it’s not the crew. I mean, if it is, well…how creepy is that?

Hard to believe it’s been eight years since a group of murderers hijacked all those planes and killed all those people.

Eight years. Incredible. And yet — time does its work. The sharp searing horror is starting to fade. And the millions who have been born since then will never have our memories – and never quite understand how many hearts were broken that day.

I hate it — but I know the time will come when this shattering day will seem as remote and dusty as Lincoln’s assassination – just another historical fact to be memorized by bored-out-of-their-minds school children.

But today – we remember.

Pamela Anderson as a TSA officer?

Yes, that’s in the new TV commercial by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) – and that’s not all. Look for plenty of washboard abs, zipper pulling and naked couples.

Tons of visual overload in this one – only, it’s not playing in airports as PETA envisioned -no one will run it. Or is that what they had in mind all along? Making it a viral sensation instead?

If you must see the ad, I’m sure you can find it, but don’t look for it here. I like to think of this as a family values blog, the main value being, don’t do naked stuff for the cameras.

Ah, gotta love the first line in the Philadelphia Inquirer’s story:

“When regular folks get questioned by airport officials, we miss our plane. When it happens to Bollywood superstar Shah Rukh Khan, fans burn U.S. flags…” -Philadelphia Inquirer, Aug. 17, 2009

So what happened? Mr. Khan, who came to this country to promote a movie, was questioned as part of a routine process that took about an hour – which caused an uproar among his many fans who called his treatment “shocking” and “disturbing” and “racist” (according to the Inquirer, in India it’s considered a status symbol to avoid certain security procedures at airports).

The Philly paper quoted a customs official who said what happened to Khan is part of the “routine process” for anyone wishing to enter the U.S., and that it took as long as it did because – while his papers were all in order – the airline lost his bag!

The officials declined to name the airline. Later, Khan said he understood that this was a procedure that needed to be followed, but that it’s an “unfortunate procedure”. Amen, brother.

You may remember the tale of these two fellows -if not, check this out – it’s a good read.

One of them was – allegedly – a rogue airline employee of US Airways. His buddy (and roommate) was a passenger on US Airways. Together, police say, they pulled the old switcheroo by exchanging carryon bags at the gate — so the passenger could board his plane with a handgun on him.

Both have now been formally charged in federal court.

Both are out on bail. I don’t know what else going on in the life and times of Mr. Passenger but Mr. Airline Employee is now Mr. Ex-Employee.

I saw this and thought, “What a good idea!” Then I saw the price tag. Well…

The product is called, Ekosteps – we’re talking disposable footwear – sort of a thong type of deal made from recycled paper. Picture thin-soled cardboard-ish flip flops. Or just look at the photo to the left.

Forget fashion, this is about function: Ekosteps are meant to protect your bare feet after you’ve put your shoes on the conveyor belt at security and now must make the trek through the metal detector in your socks, or worse, barefoot. Barefoot across a floor where oh so many other bare feet have already passed (ewwwwwww). Best of all, these are TSA approved!

These unisex Ekosteps are sold in packages of five pairs for $19.99 – and shipping will cost you another ten bucks. You can get more information from the Ekosteps website here.

Loved the piece about them in the Dallas Morning News – they noted that while these paper sandals are meant for one-time use, Ekosteps CEO Orin France said he’s worn a single pair “in daily activities for as long as two weeks.”

I want to know what “daily activities” means. Did he wear them to some swanky place for lunch? Was it raining?

Well, at least we know the system works!

Someone among the flight crew (who? who??) on an American Airlines plane heading to Miami Monday accidentally flipped the switch that means, hijacking underway!

Only, there wasn’t one. Nevertheless, as CNN reported, “two fighter jets were scrambled from Homestead Air Reserve Base, and police and fire-rescue units flooded the tarmac.”

Okay, so we know it works. But I wonder how much that “scramble” cost anyway? I ought to get an answer, since I paid for that mistake – and you did, and you did, and everybody who pays their taxes did…

I’m just following up from the story Rick posted on RickSeaney.com – and, as they say, it’s getting curiouser and curiouser.

The flight attendant in question (Kimberly Chase, 46 – works for Great Lakes Aviation) tried to get through security with two guns – handguns – and now the Denver Post is reporting that one of those guns was in fact loaded.

Money quote?

“The handguns were packed in a pink shoe bag in the front zipper pocket of a carry-on, according to a Denver Police Department report.” –Denver Post, 5-6-09

Interestingly, Ms. Chase was “interviewed and released” pending further investigation.

Would I have been released, had I done something so boneheaded? I doubt it!

Look, we all trash the airline industry from time to time – especially when it comes to surly customer service – so when a woman writes in praise of a couple of airport employees, we should be happy, right?

Well…yes…and no. Here’s the story:

A woman flew WestJet last Saturday, from Orlando to Hamilton. She needed a wheelchair at the Florida airport and requested one. Wheelchair was there – and so were the wheelchair attendants who were apparently quite pleasant. Woman was delighted, and wrote a thank-you note.

“Too often we complain about poor service so this time I was determined to report excellent service and especially the friendliness and patience shown to me by your employees.” - WestJet passenger, 4-12-09

I’m having trouble getting excited here, but maybe you, too, are getting a sense “low expectations”.

I mean, it’s not like these attendants went “above and beyond” – they did not save the woman from a speeding baggage cart or reunite her with a lost puppy. What did they do? They got her to her gate.

They did their job.

C’mon – isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? I can hear Chris Rock now…

Great article by travel expert Christopher Elliott here – he warns, there are more and more trip insurance scams out there.

Elliott has some excellent tips. The bummer is, you have to do some work — a fair amount of research just to figure out if you are or aren’t being scammed. But it could save you thousands.

For example, is the policy you’re being sold “insurance” or “protection”? As Elliott points out, insurance is regulated by your state, while protection is not. And even if your trip insurance is legit, does it cover what you want it to? Beware those “existing medical condition” clauses.

Above all – don’t take anyone’s word for anything – read the policy yourself. Every word. And if you don’t understand it, give it to someone who does. Someone you trust.

Asher Roth may love college, but he also loves playing superhero – or so it would seem. In January, he participated in detaining a man who made a bomb threat on Roth’s plane.

Then there was Coolio, he of the Grammy award-winning “Gangsta’s Paradise” – according to TMZ, the singer was busted last week at LAX for allegedly having crack cocaine on his person.

Roth was on Delta, Coolio on Southwest.

I’m sure it doesn’t matter — heck, with all the cheap airfare sales going on now, I imagine they both got a fine deal.

Maybe you’ve never attempted to bring an “inert grenade” onboard an airliner, but then – I guess you’re not a jackass.

Johnny Knoxville, however, can be a Jackass (see his body of work on imdb.com) – and now?he plays one in real life — allegedly. Cops say he had an inert grenade in his carry-on bag as he was going through security to board an American flight out of LAX (inert means it had no fuse or powder, according to the Los Angeles Times).

Knoxville (real name: Philip John Clapp) was cited for attempting to bring a “prohibited item” on a plane.

We, of course, would be in jail, am sure.

Did you know? Some 637,000 laptops are lost at U.S. airports each year — lost, or — STOLEN!

At least according to one report. But I’m sure plenty do disappear. And the solution, according to the fine folks at TurboBag? Why…a TurboBag.

Now, I don’t own one, but they sound good. For those who don’t know, a TurboBag is one of those new, TSA-approved laptop bags that you can put through security — without removing the laptop. Great idea. One less thing to worry about — and that means less stress, according to the TurboBag folks — and that, they suggest, means you’ll be more alert to laptop thieves.

Maybe. You’re still going to be fiddling with your shoes and looking around for your belt, and what could happen is, a the thief makes off with a laptop in a nice snazzy TurboBag.

Again, don’t get me wrong, the bag sounds cool (and they start at just $39.95) — but the BEST thing you can do during the holidays and any days is — watch your stuff like an eagle-eyed hawk. Yep, two metaphors for the price of one to show you how serious I am about this.

What do you think?

A woman of Pakistani descent – who has been an American citizen for 28 years – was barred from boarding a US Airways flight in West Virginia (she was ultimately heading to Michigan).

She says she was detained and interrogated for 9 hours, after security found a bottle of water and some face cream in her bag. The thing is, says the suit, plenty of other people did the same thing but they weren’t interrogated – they were just told to dump the stuff. Meanwhile, during the interrogation, the feds were busy searching her apartment.

This is where it gets interesting: the next day, an FBI agent drove her to the airport, so he could explain to US Airways that the woman had been cleared of any charges, but — the airline wouldn’t let her redeem her ticket (and had no comment on the suit, according to the Jackson Citizen Patriot).

Then the FBI guy drives her to Marion, Ohio, where she was met by her mother and driven to Michigan. Now, according to Mapquest, that’s a 3-and-a-half hour drive.

Have you ever heard of the FBI giving that kind of service before? Strikes me as unusual.

Pope Benedict is traveling to Lourdes next month – you Catholics out there will know it as the shrine in Southern France with supposedly miraculous/healing waters.

All well and good.

But…but…journalists traveling with the Pope have been warned by the Vatican – don’t expect to nab a couple of bottles of eau de Lourdes and think you can get away with carrying them onboard. Oh no.

You scribes will be traveling on Air France, and just like in the U.S., no sizeable containers of liquid can be brought on the plane. However, if you’d like to chance flooding your checked-bag, go right ahead. Merci!

I’m sure you heard the news: starting this summer, if you refuse to give the TSA identification, you will be “denied access to the secure area of airports.” Am assuming these “secure areas” include those “secure ramps” that allow you to get on “secure planes”.

Fine with me.

Now it’s a different matter if you’ve lost your ID (or were a total nutcake and forgot it). You could be subjected to all kinds of “enhanced screening” and maybe “interviews with behavior detection or other law enforcement officers”.

So what’ll they ask you? We turn to our pals at Consumerist.com who tell us that the TSA accesses all kinds of info on you, everything from old addresses to wedding anniversary dates, etc., etc., so you might want to study up on your past and present life.

Personally, I can remember my childhood home phone number — but the rest — pretty blurry.

In the biggest affront to the Transformers franchise since Soundwave was left out of the movie, a traveler at London Heathrow allegedly was told he couldn’t fly because he was wearing a shirt featuring a Transformer holding a gun.

The shirt, featuring famed Autobot leader Optimus Prime was said to be offensive by a Heathrow security guard, so the man changed shirts before boarding. This is London quotes a Heathrow rep as saying “If a T-shirt had a rude word or a bomb on it, for example, a passenger may be asked to remove it. We are investigating what happened to see if it came under this category. If it’s offensive, we don’t want other passengers upset.”

What’s more offensive to me (and to some of those who left comments) is that the guy in question seems to think Megatron is on his shirt. Come on, man. That’s totally Prime.

A Mesa Airlines pilot’s laptop went missing last week at Washington’s Dulles Airport. This wasn’t any old laptop, mind you. It contained top secret security information that, as reported by Washington DC’s ABC 7 News, provide “the pilot, through a keypad, access from the gate to the plane and down to ground level right below the plane.”

Needless to say, this caused major security concerns. 17 airports including Chicago O’Hare and Hartsfield in Atlanta, had to quickly change security codes. While this situation caused general panic and some embarrassment for Mesa Airlines, it also raised serious security questions. Should sensitive codes such as these be stored on a pilot’s laptop? If so, what measures need to be in place to ensure that something like this doesn’t happen on a regular basis?

Naturally, we are talking about the President of Palau (which, as we ALL know, is an island nation about 500 miles east of the Philippines).

Here’s what went down: Mr. President was visiting the Philippines and was about to head off to Guam. It gets a little murky here, but apparently he was told he had to go through regular security procedures to get on board his Continental flight, procedures that include the possibility of getting frisked, and…he didn’t want to! So he left in a huff (most likely, a limo) and disappeared into his hotel.

Confession time: I don’t know where Palau is, but then again, I’m a product of the American education system, but I do know when a guy is a head of state, and Mr. President certainly qualifies so…I would have given him a pass.

Don’t worry, he did get out the next day…on a charter.

Disciples of the Marquis de Sade, this one’s for you.

It seems a woman preparing to board a plane in Lubbock last month set off the metal detector because of her nipple rings (or piercings; you know, metal stuck through flesh).

The TSA folks said, take ‘em off. Well, she tried, but apparently they were “unremovable”. So a TSA agent helpfully handed her a pair of pliers. That did the trick!

She wants an apology (oh, and she also hired attorney Gloria Allred– watch out, TSA!) Meantime, the woman eventually got through the metal detectors (which FAILED to detect her navel ring).

Tip O’ the Day: be sure your nipple rings are removable; also, listen to your mother and never to get ‘em in the first place (what about a tattoo, Ma?).

If you’ve ever cut it close on making a flight, or if you’ve had to change terminals to make and had to go through airport security for a second time in one day while desperately trying to make a connecting flight, you know that the 50 people in front of you with laptops can slow you down. The line just seems to pile up as people (most likely you included) reach into bags to pull out computers, portable DVD players, and any other large electronics they might have.

Well, the TSA feels your pain, and they want to do something about it. Or at least, they want to consider doing something about it. The TSA is in search of the perfect laptop bag; one that will let you run your laptop through while it’s still in its bag.

Keep reading to see exactly what the TSA is planning…

Sick of taking off your shoes at airports? Tired of seeing grandma getting frisked?

Tell the TSA!

Yes, the fine folks at the Transportation Security Administration have their own blog! (Thanks, Jaunted). Here’s the site–now, fire away, and keep reading for a sample comment that might sound pretty familiar…